The Phrase “What Do You Actually Conserve?” Is Now Considered Hate Speech (Satire)

Thanks to efforts from prominent conservatives, the expression “What do you actually conserve?” has been designated as hate speech by the Federal Government. Bill C-666 passed unanimously, with only a few missing MPs.

Erin O’Toole, the new CPC leader, beat Peter “The Shank” MacKay in the leadership race in a stunning upset. He announced that tolerance for any and everything was the new brand of conservatism. He was angered by online trolls who kept asking what the Conservative Party was actually conserving.

O’Toole strongly condemned racist alt-righters who point to the rapid demographic changes as a sign that conservatism doesn’t work. Sure, Canada went from a country of 96% Europeans to 72% in 2016. And sure, it will be a minority by 2030, and less than 20% by the year 2100. But that doesn’t excuse bigots from screaming about replacement theories. However, they will now face prison time.

Liberals and Conservatives supported an NDP amendment to formally declare that multiculturalism has always been part of Canada’s history.

A specific example is the need to “conserve” our tradition of halal and kosher foods. Animal protection laws are antiquated, and unbecoming in a tolerant society.

Members of Parliament have also agreed that outsourcing all of Canada’s industries to Mexico, India and China has always been part of our heritage. Likewise, letting foreigners buy up large parts of Canada, and operate tax-free has long been a tradition. After all, FIPA was in the Bill of Rights. Protectionist lunatics have no place defining what “conservatism” really is.

All parties supported the Bloc’s amendment to remove Christianity as the founding ideology of Canada, and replace it by a mixture of Judaism, Islam, Atheism, and Paganism. However, this does not apply to Quebec, which will maintain its Christian roots and heritage.

Online trolls are under investigation for making comments about Pierre Poilievre flying a foreign flag in his office in Ottawa, when he’s streaming live.

Conservatives have repeatedly apologized for their shameful behaviour, when, in 2005, they voted to keep marriage as between 1 man and 1 woman. Never again, they promised.

Heritage Shadow Minister Leslyn Lewis has introduced a Private Member’s Bill (co-written by Women’s LEAF), ban sex-selective abortion, while keeping abortion itself legal. After all, she explained, those babies may be clumps of cells, but mothers better not kill them just because they are female.

An unidentified man is in custody for his hateful remarks that if politicians had “conserved” the Bank of Canada, and not resorted to private loans, that the debt would not be so high. MPs deflected the comment, instead, pointing out how irresponsible the other ones had been.

Complying with the Paris Accord is also a conservative value, although there will be no carbon tax. Michelle Rempel suggested burning all the science books which point out that Carbon Dioxide is a natural byproduct of respiration, or needed for photosynthesis.

Ex-Prime Minister Stephen Harper remarked how signing Agenda 2030, and “phasing out” the oil and gas sector, would conserve O&G and allow it to thrive in the West for generations to come.

Gun rights will be conserved by a mass seizure by the RCMP. Privacy rights will be conserved by installing spyware into all new computers and phones. The innocence of children will be conserved by starting up the “Desmond is Amazing” TV show. It will air right after “Cuties” on Netflix.

Lady MAGA will now be doing drag queen story hour at the Conservative Policy Convention in November. Insiders remarked how “conservative” drag queens always dressed with more style than their liberal counter-parts.

O’Toole was the target of a vicious “what are you conserving?” campaign when he proposed removing all age restrictions to children having gender reassignment. After all, he reminded people, if kids are old enough to know what the parts are, they should be able to decide what they are.

Conservative Consultant, Morgane Oger, is currently giving speeches on where society should be going.

Rebels who call themselves “NOTICERS” are making a mockery of the freedoms they are temporarily allowed to enjoy.

While the expression “What are you actually conserving?” has been deemed hate speech, O’Toole reminded Canadians that conservatives still support free speech rights.

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