Babylon Bee Sues Babylon Beaver Over Copyright Infringement (Satire)

The lawsuit filed by Babylon Bee launched against fellow satire site Babylon Beaver has been delayed once again. After another hearing, the matter has been further postponed. The Bee had sued the Beaver for copyright infringement, for using the term “Babylon” without permission.

The Bee also took issue with the Beaver referring to their site as “fake news you can trust”. The Bee’s lawyers explained that they had ripped it off from CNN, and that it belonged to them now.

Babylon Beaver explained that due to Canada’s open borders policy, everyone coming into the country spoke a different language. This made any sort of communication very difficult. Babylon Bee, a Christian website, wasn’t content to “turn the other cheek”, and opted to take an eye for an eye.

There were immediately issues in court, as the presiding Judge wasn’t sure if the lawsuit was legitimate, or if he was being punked.

It didn’t help matters when lawyers for the Bee asked if satire and parody counted as telling the truth. It seemed there were issues over swearing out affidavits, and what counted as “the whole truth”. Court officials repeatedly explained that such documents had to be truthful, and that “being really funny” wasn’t an acceptable excuse for lying under oath.

Little progress was made with the Babylon Beaver representatives as well. “Comedy is subjective” was raised as a defense for virtually every question raised.

Public opinion has been divided on the subject. Many believe that “Babylon” should be protected in the context of satire, while others see nothing wrong with others using it.

CBC, CTV, and Global News have asked for intervenor status. They are concerned if Babylon Beaver is viewed as a legitimate source of news, it will cut into their subsidies. The Beaver’s reporting (while satire), has proven to be far more accurate than any of theirs.

The case is expected to conclude next year.

Babylon Beaver Endorses Eric O’Toolie For Prime Minister (Satire)

After serious consideration, staff at the Babylon Beaver have decided to support Eric O’Toolie for Prime Minister in the next Federal election.

Anti-free speech elements in the CPC have tried to get this parody account banned from Twitter, claiming it is misrepresentation and impersonation. The producers here at the Beaver do not support censorship or deplatforming of anyone, especially political candidates.

Parody accounts in particular need the most protection, as the truth is too painful for most people to grasp.

Eric (with the goatee), never worked as a Facebook lobbyist, or for Heenan Blaikie, or supported FIPA or CANZUK, or sold Canadians out to foreigners. Eric has also never celebrated walking around in red high heel shoes. That makes him a far more attractive choice then Erin (without the look).

Sure, there are concerns that Eric is just an internet meme, and not a real person. However, the Babylon Beaver recognizes that no one is perfect, and is willing to work with Eric.

And yes, it’s true that Eric has no platform, stands for nothing, and speaks in empty and vacuous platitudes. However, that just shows that he has the experience for the job.

Government Asks Whites To Stop Having Children To Prevent Covid Spread (Satire)

Canada’s Immigration Minister has publicly asked for people of European descent to stop having children for the foreseeable future, in order to stop the spread of Covid-19.

Not only is speaking English risky, (as outlined by Yahoo and Forbes), but certain ethnic groups were prone to spreading it a lot faster.

According to new computer modelling by Professor Neilio Fergusonino, Europeans have a 50% greater likelihood of spreading the virus than do other groups. Since Covid is here to stay, it’s only suitable that those at the greatest risk.

Details of this modelling were not released. However, the science is settled, and there is no debate on the issue. After all, the anti-pluggers and anti-crawlers were outraged initially, but eventually went along with science.

Sacrifices had to be made now, to ensure what happened in March in Kelowna would not become a regular occurrence.

Ontario Premier Doug Ford is riding high in the polls after publicly announcing he was infected. People temporarily forgot about the economic collapse he caused.

However, some admitted, this presents a great opportunity to further diversify Canada by replacing the old-stock Canadians with a more diverse forms of culture and heritage. Officials admitted that without the pandemic, it would be hard to get people on board with this.

Canada was going further into a multicultural mode. Sure, politicians would be resentful because of their leading role. But without that leading role, Canada would not survive.

The Immigration Minister’s Press Secretary wrote:

In pluralistic societies like Canada, we do not derive our identity from our racial, religious or ethnic origin — unlike most countries in the world. We derive our identity from shared values.
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Diversity is important. There’s no doubt about that.
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We need to challenge one another with new ideas, innovative thinking and differing perspectives in order to grow and thrive, as well as to solve the problems of our day. Societies that are too conformist or homogeneous are not only boring and banal places to live, they’re also destined to fail.
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Look at North Korea — the most homogeneous country in the world; closed to immigration and most trade — where everyone is equal in their misery and nothing meaningful has changed in decades.
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Or Japan, which allows little diversity in ethnic makeup or societal norms, and, in turn, the population is aging, the economy is stagnant, and debt is ever-growing. In other words, the society is dying.
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Diversity is necessary. But diversity, in and of itself, is not necessarily a feature. The most diverse empires and countries in the world have fractured, imploded or dissolved, be it the Roman Empire, the Ottoman Empire or the former Yugoslavia. Diversity alone wasn’t the problem, but diversity without a common commitment, in other words, without unity, led to collapse.
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We need shared laws, shared values, shared traditions, and a shared identity to thrive and succeed. We need pluralism and nationhood.
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It’s unity that makes us love our country and fosters patriotism. It’s unity — imbedded within diversity — that is our true strength.

Racist Alt-Righters immediately accused the Government of trying to replace them. They allege that stopping white births, combined with importing more people was a plan to breed out whites.

Officials denied that there was any effort to replace them. Bringing more people to Canada was necessary to make up for a work shortfall caused by certain groups not having more children.

In 5 to 10 years, we should have this pandemic under control, the Minister said. At that point, if whites are properly vaccinated, and have been wearing masks, we will certainly invite them to have children again.

However, he added, by that point, Canada will be so radically transformed that the majority may decide that white supremacy is no longer welcome.

Another report found that tall people were more likely to catch the coronavirus. Officials are speculating about ways to navigate that problem.

Ford Announces He Has Covid-19, In Order To Boost Sagging Poll Numbers (Satire)

Ontario Premier has declared that he has tested positive for Covid-19, in an effort to gain sympathy from the public, and deflect attention from the economic collapse he caused to Ontario.

Reaction on the internet was mixed. Many offered well-wishes, while others said they hope he dies.

When asked if Parliament would still be reopening, and issues debated, officials laughed. Why would we do such a thing, they asked.

However, all is not as it seems. According in internal memo leaked by insiders: Ford will have Covid until the end of October. After a few week lull, Health Minister Christine Elliott will claim to test positive. Education Minister Lecce will follow suit a month or so afterwards.

Announcements of anonymous staffers testing positives will be spread out into the new year. By that time, Ford figures that the 5G surveillance system should be fully operational, and that the masks will have broken most people’s individual resistance.

The report cites internal polling which showed a huge drop in support after he released the video of himself making cheesecake. Also, attempts to appear more relatable hadn’t led to much of a rebound.

Two main scenarios were discussed. The first involved fully opening up Ontario and having to answer for his crimes. The other required milking the system for sympathy, but otherwise keeping Ontario closed.

Ontario Deputy Medical Chief Barbara Yaffe was asked again about testing, and she had this to say:

“When you do antibody testing in an area where the virus has never been, you’ll get false positives, almost 70% of time time. If there is already a herd immunity, those antibody tests will come back with false negatives over 80% of the time. And don’t get me started on how back testing for the virus is itself. That being said, we are ramping up testing throughout Ontario.”

BC Provincial Health Officer Bonnie Henry added: “Sure, there’s no science in anything we do, but my orders are not voluntary. People need to understand that.”

Current polling for the 2022 election was conducted by Trolling Viewers Inc. There is a margin of error of +/- 3.1 percentage points, 19 out of 20 times.

30% – Quit Bothering Me
28% – Liberal Party
25% – New Democrat Party
7% – Green Party
6% – Other
3% – The Dog Sh** I Stepped In
1% – Progressive Conservative

The Babylon Beaver wishes Premier Ford a speedy recovery.

Pierre Poilievre Begins Flying Canadian Flag In Parliamentary Office (Satire)

Angered by Alt-Right conspiracy theorists, Finance Critic Pierre Poilievre has decided to post a Canadian flag prominently in his office in Ottawa. It was up and to his right, which appeared on the left for viewers.

He had been flying another flag, and for a while, zoomed in the webcam so it was less obvious. However, it was time for a change.

The new flag was first shown in an online interview with ex-Jason Kenney Staffer, Candice Malcolm. They talked about the expanding national debt.

The Member of Parliament for Carleton showed his disdain for anonymous Twitter trolls who kept insinuating that he must have a hidden agenda, and be working for foreign bodies. One called him a hypocrite for criticizing Trudeau for his Aga Khan trip, while he was also compromised. Poilevre reiterated that his loyalty was to Canadians, and not to outside influences

Asked about why he focused so much on the debt, Poilievre responded: “My job is to focus on a symptom (the debt), so Canadians aren’t talking about the disease (the International Banking Cartel). As long as Canadians think that this is simply an issue of overspending, they won’t realize that we all collude to rip them off. Heck, until last year, 95% if our national debt was just compounded interest.”

Poilievre promised to end the deficit in 10 years, which means no more accumulating debt. When asked about paying down the existing debt, the Member looked confused. “I don’t think Canadians actually want us to be debt free. That would stop the interest payments abroad.”

The new flag is in a good place. It compliments the office without drawing too much attention to it. Poilievre said he hopes that more MPs take pride in their home country and start having flags in the offices.

Canadian flags, he clarified.

However, limiting the office to just a single flag would probably discriminate against the 187 Members who were born outside of Canada.

On the subject of also flying a gay pride flag in Parliament, Poilievre seemed uncertain. Sure, Conservatives are completely behind the globohomo agenda, but that might be too overt. We have to at least pretend to uphold the morals and principles of family. Conservative men may not have any balls, but most of the women did. However, that was a different story.

Babylon Beaver Launched As Canuck Law Spin Off (Satire)

In collaboration with the Babylon Bee and (Not) The Bee, Canuck Law is starting up a satire division to help bring humour an levity to Canadians.

Several alcohol companies are also financing this effort. They expect increased liquor sales, as Canadians realize just how screwed they really are.

Marijuana companies in British Columbia had been set to sponsor as well, but found themselves unprofitable. Yes, government regulations made weed unprofitable in BC.

The new design is an image of a beaver sodomizing a log as Babylon’s logo. Originally that presented some concerns to the publishers. However, since the Trudeau Government legalized beastiality, and lowered the age of consent for anal, those barriers were removed. As for consent, don’t worry, the log just experienced it differently. Of course, using a glory hole is safer for everyone.

BCPHO Bonnie Henry suggested that the beaver should be wearing a mask as a sign of respect and courtesy. She looked puzzled when asked what evidence there was that masks worked.

Babylon is also a perfect metaphor to represent Canada’s multicultural heritage. After all, everyone at the Tower of Babel spoke different languages, and hence no one was able to understand each other. It’s symbolic of Canada’s lack of any real identity.

Having an open comment forum is probably the best option. It’s a reminder of the open borders country we have had for decades, where anyone and anything are accepted.

No question, there will be difficulties. The Canadian market is already pretty saturated with fake news and parody outlets, such as CBC, CTV, Global News, and the Post Media empire. There is also already an established “diet-fake” industry that includes The Post Millennial and True North Canada. Nonetheless, we will push on.

The Babylon Bee helped CNN set up a real-news spinoff. Now, they are assisting Canuck Law and Babylon Beaver get a similar offshoot going for CBC and Global News.

Staffers at Canuck Law have realized that satire, and just making things up, is way easier than doing research and due diligence. However, this will not impact the real-news division.

It was also discovered that piggy-backing off of an established satire site was a much simpler idea than coming up with an entirely new outfit.

Until the Babylon Beaver can start lobbying Ottawa, we won’t have access to any of that $1.4 billion government subsidies other outlets get. Please chip in, so we can pretend that it is going to the writers.

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