“Anti-Crawlers” Protest Against Order To Remain On Hands And Knees (Satire)


The Federal and Provincial Governments had only just announced an initiative to have everyone crawl on the ground, and paranoid conspiracy theorist are already denouncing it.

In Ontario, Doug Ford made the announcement at Cheesecake Soccer Field, which had recently moved its goalposts again. With him was Barbara Yaffe, who insisted that “crawl, crawl, crawl” was the new measure, despite there being an 80% – 90% error rate in the testing methods used.

Experts and their computer modelling have determined that the coronavirus isn’t nearly as deadly below a height of 3 feet off the ground. It’s therefore logical that everyone should crawl on their hands and knees for the next 3-5 years, until the pandemic passes.

Conspiracy nuts are claiming it is bogus science. They claim that computer modelling isn’t science, and that the work can’t be replicated. They also question mask, vaccine, and butt plug initiatives. Many also allege that the coronavirus isn’t even real.

Of course, crawling on your hands and knees doesn’t absolve the responsibility to wear masks, and stay 6 feet apart, but would be an extra measure to prevent virus spread. Kinks’R’Us has already donated whips, chains, and ball-gags to make this a smoother transition.

BC Premier John Horgan recommended people to stay home and smoke weed whenever they could. However, if they had to go out, then show people some consideration, and crawl everywhere.

BC Provincial Health Officer Bonnie Henry admitted there no science behind it, but that the Province would be taking an evidence-based approach in implementing the policy. Crawling around was a sign of respect for your neighbours, and public support was in favour of it.

The BC CDC released their findings, saying that the virus has very limited potency at lower heights. If people were anxious, there was always other options to relax. The CDC recommended: prostitution, pornography, masturbating, abortion, glory holes, drug use, safe injection, approved vendors for drugs, narcotics preparation kits, and sex changes for children. All were accepted methods of protecting oneself during the pandemic.

In Quebec, Francois LeGault spoke about climate change in front of the St. Lawrence, where tons of sewage was being dumped. He later talked on fishing lures and joked about the bait-and-switch.

Public Health Officer of Canada, Theresa Tam, was in Toronto to announce new procedures for the expanded children’s section at the Gender Identity Clinic. She looked confused when people asked why she wasn’t crawling.

Canada’s new Deputy Pandemic Minister, Mr. Fabianist, said that these changes would likely invert the social order for good. However, it would be beneficial in the long term.

Privy Council President, Demonic LeBlanc criticized the anti-maskers, anti-vaxxers, anti-crawlers anti-pluggers, and anti-chippers as “lunatics”. He promised a stronger law to combat misinformation.

On a related note: the first batch of butt plugs has now been made freely available. People will be expected to take it in the rear and go about their day. Critics have named it the CRA, or Revenue Canada.

Exemptions will be made for people with arthritis, or other conditions that make it impractical to crawl. However, officials don’t want to see it being abused.


Theresa Tam Now Recommends Canadians Wear Butt Plugs (Satire)

After several months of going through the evidence, Public Health Officer of Canada, Theresa Tam has now formally recommended that Canadians use butt plugs as a means to prevent infection. British Columbia has adopted those findings.

In fact, the Federal and Provincial Governments are taking the butt plug issue so seriously, that it will become law in the next 12 to 18 months.

Tam, fresh off of an Adam’s apple reduction surgery, made the comments earlier this morning. The latest computer modelling showed that it could help avoid the fourth wave, which is expected to be in 2023.

It will be up to individual businesses to decide on how to enforce these new regulations. Some have pointed out that asking everyone to drop their pants may be unrealistic. However, old-generation RapeScan machines are being sold by airports.

Tam was dismissive of people who point out Health Canada’s own statistics, which showed that over 90% of people have already recovered from infection. She also called out anti-vaxxers, anti-maskers, anti-chippers, and critics in general as “conspiracy theorists”.

Parliament had already passed a non-binding resolution to wear plastic bags on their heads. However, far-right conspiracy nuts filed lawsuits over that.

On a related note: the Kinks’R’Us franchise has seen a boom in its stock prices. The adult industry has now been designated as an essential service, adding 35,000 new people to the roster of “essential services”. Tam chided Canadians for not being understanding about such an important industry. In fact, many new employees in that industry are laid off health care workers, who haven’t seen a patient in months.

The Federal Government has also announced a new plan to give permanent residency to those working in selective essential services, such as: pornography, group sex, anal sex (now with the reduced age-of-consent), abortion on demand, euthanasia on demand, sex workers, sex changes for children, alcohol distribution, marijuana production, “glory-hole” manufacturers, and working for the CBC. Canadians are just too badly educated to do these jobs.

Canadian politicians also are weighing in.

Officials cautioned the public against engaging in risky behaviour, such as going to church, getting married, acting in a moral way, having traditional families, or preserving borders. This would not be considered free speech of expression.

Privy Council President Dominic LeBlanc renewed his suggestion of passing laws to combat misinformation.

BC Provincial Health Officer, Bonnie Henry admitted there’s no science behind what was going on, but that it was being consistent, and was a rational approach.

BC Health Minister, Adrian Dix, who “identifies” as a medical professional, said there likely wouldn’t be fines for those not wearing butt plugs. The Province would focus on education and awareness.

Ontario Premier, Doug Ford, said that while safety is critical, he would grant a religious exemption, just like he did for Sikhs and motorcycle helmets.

Ontario Deputy Medical Officer, Barbara Yaffe, stated that new modelling suggested that butt plugs would reduce the number of false positives from covid tests from 80% to 40%.

Federal Health Minister, and ex-graphic designer, Patty Hajdu, was asked how Canadians should be expected to adapt to taking it in the rear. Hajdu responded that Canadians pay taxes, and thus are already used to it.

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was on vacation, and could not be reached. However, staffers commented that everyone was of legal age, and none of the substances were prohibited by law.

Canuck Law will bring you updates as they unfold.

Note: for more information on the (not satire) coronavirus series, check this out. Your public officials have been lying to you all along.

Petition Launched To Repatriate Jagmeet Singh To India (Satire)

(Little brother is a sweetheart, isn’t he?)

(Singh: our culture is the best)

1. Petition To Repatriate Jagmeet Singh

Petition E-33666 is available to be signed, and it is sponsored by JagsBigBeard, of the Parody Cabinet. The petition calls for aid and assistance to help repatriate Jagmeet Singh to India, where he will be free from the systemic racism that exists in Canada.

Tempers flared after a motion introduced by Singh, condemning “systemic racism” in the RCMP. It seems that drawing such a conclusion offended a lot of people.

Singh was asked about the modification to the RCMP uniform, which allows members to wear turbans instead of police hats. He was also asked about Provincial health and safety laws being rewritten to accommodate Sikhs. Jagmeet Singh looked confused, and after a while responded: “yeah, but what have you done lately?”

2. Indians Fleeing Canada In Droves

(Page 18 of the 2004 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 24 of the 2005 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 18, 19 of the 2006 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 19, 20 of the 2007 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 21, 22 of the 2008 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 16 of the 2009 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 14 of the 2010 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 18 of the 2011 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 15 of the 2012 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 19 of the 2013 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 16 of the 2014 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 16 of the 2015 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 10 of the 2016 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 14 of the 2017 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 28 of the 2018 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 36 of the 2019 Annual Report to Parliament)

As is clear from the overwhelming evidence, Indians/Sikhs/Hindus are avoiding Canada like the plague because of the systemic racism that goes on here. They aren’t flooding Canadian schools, or being used to replace Canadian workers. Claims to the contrary are racist conspiracy theories.

Of course, this is nowhere near the total number of people who come to Canada, but used just for a point of reference. It seems that people only realize there is systemic racism after being here for long periods of time.

Critics have asked Singh why would Canada continuously replace its population so that it would become majority non-white by 2028. It was pointed out that diluting voting power was a pretty stupid form of white supremacy. Singh responded that only a white supremacist would make such an argument.

3. Hurdles To Singh’s Repatriation

Admittedly, there are some complications that need to be worked out before Singh can be properly moved to India, and away from Canada, which is a white supremacist nation.

First, it seems Singh is banned from India due to his support for violent Khalistani separatists. Getting him settled will need the consent of the Indian Government.

Second, Singh is also banned from the United States, Russia, China, and Egypt. It’s unclear who would be willing to take him if India won’t.

Third, there will undoubtedly be some adjustment issues. Singh is a multimillionaire with an estimated net worth of some $6 million. Given India’s largely socialist governing structure, a wealth tax can be expected. Like most socialists, Singh only supports wealth redistribution for other people, not himself.

Fourth, once settled in India, claims of “systemic racism” will no longer carry any weight. It’s unclear if Singh intends to take any responsibility for his actions from that point on, but we will have to wait and see.

Nevertheless, Canadians are compassionate, despite what some would say. It’s time to work together to get Jagmeet Singh repatriated to India, and away from the systemic racism that is everywhere in Canada.

Sign Petition E-33666 today!

New “Ministry Of Free Speech” Opening In Canada (Satire)

Canada’s already bloated bureaucracy will be adding yet another Ministry to its ranks. Government officials confirmed this morning that the rumours were indeed true. The new Ministry of Free Speech will be headed by Iqra Khalid, a staunch supporter of this basic right.

Free speech and a free media are guaranteed to all Canadians under Section 2 of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, which convers fundamental freedoms.

What started as a Twitter campaign by a few dedicated individuals has morphed into an actual Ministry, and its funding will be included in the next Federal budget. The Government has decided to take a public stand in how much it supports free speech and expression.

The National Anti-Hate League had been asked to act as a consultant, but they declined. The Group is overbooked with getting people doxed and deplatformed for comments posted online.

The mandate originally called for the doxing of distant relatives of Nazi collaborators. However, Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland stated that perhaps that portion needed to be revised. She didn’t elaborate further.

While freedom of speech is a great thing, wild and harmful conspiracy theories are not. The new Ministry’s mandate will clearly enforce harsh penalties for such actions. For example, a theory circulating is that Bill and Melinda Gates have been replaced by clones who are doing the bidding of the Deep State.

Additionally, conspiracy theorists claim that Gates’ vaccine agenda is just a ruse to implement mass depopulation of the planet. Of course, there is no evidence to substantiate such an allegation.

Another such hurtful claim is that Canada’s Chief Medical Officer, Theresa Tam, is actually a Chinese spy and a trans person. Detractors point to the lack of verifiable information, and that bulge. Today the Government made it clear that such hateful comments would not be tolerated.

Government officials also reminded the public that bigoted conspiracy theories about foreign influence are hate speech, and dehumanizing. Racist acts are not part of Canada’s values or culture, and would be dealt with severely. So-called evidence would not justify posting such material

Officials repeatedly stated that malicious and harmful remarks and theories are not protected speech, and that people engaging in it risk arrest. While Section 2 of the Charter provides for free speech, Section 1 puts limits on what is considered free speech.

Since the empty hospitals across the country have not been filled with the coronavirus patients the computer modelling predicted, insiders suggest they could be converted to forensic psychiatric wards to house mental patients who question the government’s narrative.

In related news, the Ministry of Breeding Out Europeans has been renamed the Ministry of Diversity and Multiculturalism. White supremacists had been long raving about a conspiracy to replace them in all Western nations. This change was supposed to quell those fears, but officials were perplexed when it didn’t.

Also, Bill C-6(B) has passed second reading and will be sent to Committee for study. This would allow dual nationals convicted of sex crimes against children to keep their Canadian citizenship. The Government pointed out that pedophiles are disproportionately subjected to cruel and dehumanizing language, and that they are a protected class.

When asked for comment about recent developments, conservatives have mixed messages. Andrew Scheer avoided the topic but stated that when they form a government, Justin Trudeau will be held to account. Ontario Premier Doug Ford gave a meandering, vacuous speech, then deferred to health officials. Alberta Premier Jason Kenney, with his “permanently concerned” look, claimed that Ottawa is neglecting Alberta’s needs. Quebec Premier Francois Legault asked would this new Ministry help Quebec get more equalization money from the West. All in all, there was no cohesive or consistent message.

Staffing appointments for the new Free Speech Ministry will be announced shortly.

PPC Announces The Release Of Internal Party Constitution (Satire)

Party insiders have announced that the People’s Party of Canada will be releasing its internal party constitution, to entrench the rights and responsibilities of members.

When asked why it took over a year and a half to release a 12 page document, they replied that they had been preoccupied with other party functions. They said it took a lot of work to build a party from scratch, but did not elaborate further.

Of course, the party constitution will be just one governing document to be released. However, further documents will be based on the content and principles laid out in the party constitution.

The full document will be released to the public on Friday April 3rd. However, those same insiders have leaked the following details to the media:

  • Mandatory leadership convention after every federal election. All party members in good standing will be eligible to run for leadership.
  • Establishment of a National Governing Council, with members chosen by region. This will be to provide oversight over the leader and establish a check and balance.
  • Policy votes to be held after a minimum of 18 months, and a maximum of 3 years after the last vote. All members will eligible to put issues forward.
  • Oversight measures added to ensure extra transparency, especially related to leadership races and policy votes.
  • Policies to be adopted based on 70% participation, and majority approval in convention votes.
  • EDA regulations to ensure that they are chosen locally, not as the result of national interference.
  • Formation of bylaws regarding membership regulation and codes of conduct.
  • Guidelines to ensure donor money is well spent.
  • Measures to ensure private personal data is not leaked.
  • Provisions that the party may not be disbanded, or merge with another party without a 75% approval from members.

Sources commented (concerning the last point), that Bernier was getting annoyed that Twitter trolls were spreading rumours that PPC was only meant to be a temporary party. They denied that he was planning to unilaterally disband once the donations dried up. They added, once the constitution is formalized, we can put that rumour to bed forever.

The PPC is here to stay, they gloated. We have no intention of a merger, particularly with the CPC, now headed by Peter “the Shank” MacKay. As stated before, we support our Leader, Maxime Bernier as leader of the Party. Unconditionally.

The full version will be released shortly.

Toilet Paper Dealer Gunned Down In Kelowna (Satire)

Police are investigating the murder of a man who shot 4 times in the parking lot of a Walmart in Kelowna, BC, and robbed of his toilet paper.

The victim has been identified as Stephen Yaxley-Lennon, 40, a political refugee who arrived from the warzone of the United States. He had been reselling TP out of the back of his van at inflated prices for several weeks now. Yaxley-Lennon is an ex-con with a lengthy criminal record, who was known to travel using forged documents.

The RCMP are noting that witnesses are being unhelpful with the investigation. Surveillance footage shows the killer sharing proceeds of the robbery with nearby persons. They wonder if these people were in fact accomplices, or whether the killer was attempting to silence them with the Robin-Hood style sharing of the wealth.

A Canada wide warrant has been issued, but no details are being released about the suspect. The RCMP doesn’t want to assume the person’s gender, approximate age, ethnicity, or build. Nor do they envy a backlash for potential fat shaming or height shaming. But they have confirmed that the suspect was wearing brown shoes.

Toilet paper shortages have been rampant in the West in 2020. Residents have been freaked out about the economy collapsing, so bulk buys are leaving store shelves bare. Opportunistic individuals have come up with the idea of buying in bulk, and then reselling. This is a technique commonly known as scalping.

While a package of 12 double rolls had been selling about $15 ($1.25/role), these scalpers have been fetching an average of $3-4 per role while reselling. This has been so lucrative, that rumours had been heard people were intentionally spreading the corona virus.

Since then, turf wars have been waged across the BC interior, and is moving to Alberta as well. Since government regulations have made the (now legal) marijuana an unprofitable venture, many of the same people are turning to toilet paper.

Food is also being purged from grocery stores as well, except, notably, the vegan food remains. It seems that even during the corona virus apocalypse, no one actually wants to eat vegan food.

Officials are also reminding Canadians that scalping is illegal, and insensitive given the situation. They are stressing that identifying as an “undocumented merchant” doesn’t make it okay. Nor does a city wide TP-shortage justify gun violence or murder.

The Prime Minister, while vacationing in New Zealand, has issued his condolences. PM Trudeau suggested the creation of a TP registry in order to prevent future violence from taking place. He explained that if TP could be tracked, it would remove the incentive for criminals to behave this way.

Police are asking anyone with information to come forward.