Petition Launched To Repatriate Jagmeet Singh To India (Satire)

(Little brother is a sweetheart, isn’t he?)

(Singh: our culture is the best)

1. Petition To Repatriate Jagmeet Singh

Petition E-33666 is available to be signed, and it is sponsored by JagsBigBeard, of the Parody Cabinet. The petition calls for aid and assistance to help repatriate Jagmeet Singh to India, where he will be free from the systemic racism that exists in Canada.

Tempers flared after a motion introduced by Singh, condemning “systemic racism” in the RCMP. It seems that drawing such a conclusion offended a lot of people.

Singh was asked about the modification to the RCMP uniform, which allows members to wear turbans instead of police hats. He was also asked about Provincial health and safety laws being rewritten to accommodate Sikhs. Jagmeet Singh looked confused, and after a while responded: “yeah, but what have you done lately?”

2. Indians Fleeing Canada In Droves

(Page 18 of the 2004 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 24 of the 2005 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 18, 19 of the 2006 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 19, 20 of the 2007 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 21, 22 of the 2008 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 16 of the 2009 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 14 of the 2010 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 18 of the 2011 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 15 of the 2012 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 19 of the 2013 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 16 of the 2014 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 16 of the 2015 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 10 of the 2016 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 14 of the 2017 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 28 of the 2018 Annual Report to Parliament)

(Page 36 of the 2019 Annual Report to Parliament)

As is clear from the overwhelming evidence, Indians/Sikhs/Hindus are avoiding Canada like the plague because of the systemic racism that goes on here. They aren’t flooding Canadian schools, or being used to replace Canadian workers. Claims to the contrary are racist conspiracy theories.

Of course, this is nowhere near the total number of people who come to Canada, but used just for a point of reference. It seems that people only realize there is systemic racism after being here for long periods of time.

Critics have asked Singh why would Canada continuously replace its population so that it would become majority non-white by 2028. It was pointed out that diluting voting power was a pretty stupid form of white supremacy. Singh responded that only a white supremacist would make such an argument.

3. Hurdles To Singh’s Repatriation

Admittedly, there are some complications that need to be worked out before Singh can be properly moved to India, and away from Canada, which is a white supremacist nation.

First, it seems Singh is banned from India due to his support for violent Khalistani separatists. Getting him settled will need the consent of the Indian Government.

Second, Singh is also banned from the United States, Russia, China, and Egypt. It’s unclear who would be willing to take him if India won’t.

Third, there will undoubtedly be some adjustment issues. Singh is a multimillionaire with an estimated net worth of some $6 million. Given India’s largely socialist governing structure, a wealth tax can be expected. Like most socialists, Singh only supports wealth redistribution for other people, not himself.

Fourth, once settled in India, claims of “systemic racism” will no longer carry any weight. It’s unclear if Singh intends to take any responsibility for his actions from that point on, but we will have to wait and see.

Nevertheless, Canadians are compassionate, despite what some would say. It’s time to work together to get Jagmeet Singh repatriated to India, and away from the systemic racism that is everywhere in Canada.

Sign Petition E-33666 today!

New “Ministry Of Free Speech” Opening In Canada (Satire)

Canada’s already bloated bureaucracy will be adding yet another Ministry to its ranks. Government officials confirmed this morning that the rumours were indeed true. The new Ministry of Free Speech will be headed by Iqra Khalid, a staunch supporter of this basic right.

Free speech and a free media are guaranteed to all Canadians under Section 2 of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, which convers fundamental freedoms.

What started as a Twitter campaign by a few dedicated individuals has morphed into an actual Ministry, and its funding will be included in the next Federal budget. The Government has decided to take a public stand in how much it supports free speech and expression.

The National Anti-Hate League had been asked to act as a consultant, but they declined. The Group is overbooked with getting people doxed and deplatformed for comments posted online.

The mandate originally called for the doxing of distant relatives of Nazi collaborators. However, Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland stated that perhaps that portion needed to be revised. She didn’t elaborate further.

While freedom of speech is a great thing, wild and harmful conspiracy theories are not. The new Ministry’s mandate will clearly enforce harsh penalties for such actions. For example, a theory circulating is that Bill and Melinda Gates have been replaced by clones who are doing the bidding of the Deep State.

Additionally, conspiracy theorists claim that Gates’ vaccine agenda is just a ruse to implement mass depopulation of the planet. Of course, there is no evidence to substantiate such an allegation.

Another such hurtful claim is that Canada’s Chief Medical Officer, Theresa Tam, is actually a Chinese spy and a trans person. Detractors point to the lack of verifiable information, and that bulge. Today the Government made it clear that such hateful comments would not be tolerated.

Government officials also reminded the public that bigoted conspiracy theories about foreign influence are hate speech, and dehumanizing. Racist acts are not part of Canada’s values or culture, and would be dealt with severely. So-called evidence would not justify posting such material

Officials repeatedly stated that malicious and harmful remarks and theories are not protected speech, and that people engaging in it risk arrest. While Section 2 of the Charter provides for free speech, Section 1 puts limits on what is considered free speech.

Since the empty hospitals across the country have not been filled with the coronavirus patients the computer modelling predicted, insiders suggest they could be converted to forensic psychiatric wards to house mental patients who question the government’s narrative.

In related news, the Ministry of Breeding Out Europeans has been renamed the Ministry of Diversity and Multiculturalism. White supremacists had been long raving about a conspiracy to replace them in all Western nations. This change was supposed to quell those fears, but officials were perplexed when it didn’t.

Also, Bill C-6(B) has passed second reading and will be sent to Committee for study. This would allow dual nationals convicted of sex crimes against children to keep their Canadian citizenship. The Government pointed out that pedophiles are disproportionately subjected to cruel and dehumanizing language, and that they are a protected class.

When asked for comment about recent developments, conservatives have mixed messages. Andrew Scheer avoided the topic but stated that when they form a government, Justin Trudeau will be held to account. Ontario Premier Doug Ford gave a meandering, vacuous speech, then deferred to health officials. Alberta Premier Jason Kenney, with his “permanently concerned” look, claimed that Ottawa is neglecting Alberta’s needs. Quebec Premier Francois Legault asked would this new Ministry help Quebec get more equalization money from the West. All in all, there was no cohesive or consistent message.

Staffing appointments for the new Free Speech Ministry will be announced shortly.

PPC Announces The Release Of Internal Party Constitution (Satire)

Party insiders have announced that the People’s Party of Canada will be releasing its internal party constitution, to entrench the rights and responsibilities of members.

When asked why it took over a year and a half to release a 12 page document, they replied that they had been preoccupied with other party functions. They said it took a lot of work to build a party from scratch, but did not elaborate further.

Of course, the party constitution will be just one governing document to be released. However, further documents will be based on the content and principles laid out in the party constitution.

The full document will be released to the public on Friday April 3rd. However, those same insiders have leaked the following details to the media:

  • Mandatory leadership convention after every federal election. All party members in good standing will be eligible to run for leadership.
  • Establishment of a National Governing Council, with members chosen by region. This will be to provide oversight over the leader and establish a check and balance.
  • Policy votes to be held after a minimum of 18 months, and a maximum of 3 years after the last vote. All members will eligible to put issues forward.
  • Oversight measures added to ensure extra transparency, especially related to leadership races and policy votes.
  • Policies to be adopted based on 70% participation, and majority approval in convention votes.
  • EDA regulations to ensure that they are chosen locally, not as the result of national interference.
  • Formation of bylaws regarding membership regulation and codes of conduct.
  • Guidelines to ensure donor money is well spent.
  • Measures to ensure private personal data is not leaked.
  • Provisions that the party may not be disbanded, or merge with another party without a 75% approval from members.

Sources commented (concerning the last point), that Bernier was getting annoyed that Twitter trolls were spreading rumours that PPC was only meant to be a temporary party. They denied that he was planning to unilaterally disband once the donations dried up. They added, once the constitution is formalized, we can put that rumour to bed forever.

The PPC is here to stay, they gloated. We have no intention of a merger, particularly with the CPC, now headed by Peter “the Shank” MacKay. As stated before, we support our Leader, Maxime Bernier as leader of the Party. Unconditionally.

The full version will be released shortly.

Toilet Paper Dealer Gunned Down In Kelowna (Satire)

Police are investigating the murder of a man who shot 4 times in the parking lot of a Walmart in Kelowna, BC, and robbed of his toilet paper.

The victim has been identified as Stephen Yaxley-Lennon, 40, a political refugee who arrived from the warzone of the United States. He had been reselling TP out of the back of his van at inflated prices for several weeks now. Yaxley-Lennon is an ex-con with a lengthy criminal record, who was known to travel using forged documents.

The RCMP are noting that witnesses are being unhelpful with the investigation. Surveillance footage shows the killer sharing proceeds of the robbery with nearby persons. They wonder if these people were in fact accomplices, or whether the killer was attempting to silence them with the Robin-Hood style sharing of the wealth.

A Canada wide warrant has been issued, but no details are being released about the suspect. The RCMP doesn’t want to assume the person’s gender, approximate age, ethnicity, or build. Nor do they envy a backlash for potential fat shaming or height shaming. But they have confirmed that the suspect was wearing brown shoes.

Toilet paper shortages have been rampant in the West in 2020. Residents have been freaked out about the economy collapsing, so bulk buys are leaving store shelves bare. Opportunistic individuals have come up with the idea of buying in bulk, and then reselling. This is a technique commonly known as scalping.

While a package of 12 double rolls had been selling about $15 ($1.25/role), these scalpers have been fetching an average of $3-4 per role while reselling. This has been so lucrative, that rumours had been heard people were intentionally spreading the corona virus.

Since then, turf wars have been waged across the BC interior, and is moving to Alberta as well. Since government regulations have made the (now legal) marijuana an unprofitable venture, many of the same people are turning to toilet paper.

Food is also being purged from grocery stores as well, except, notably, the vegan food remains. It seems that even during the corona virus apocalypse, no one actually wants to eat vegan food.

Officials are also reminding Canadians that scalping is illegal, and insensitive given the situation. They are stressing that identifying as an “undocumented merchant” doesn’t make it okay. Nor does a city wide TP-shortage justify gun violence or murder.

The Prime Minister, while vacationing in New Zealand, has issued his condolences. PM Trudeau suggested the creation of a TP registry in order to prevent future violence from taking place. He explained that if TP could be tracked, it would remove the incentive for criminals to behave this way.

Police are asking anyone with information to come forward.

Join The Nationalist Parody Canuck (NPC) Party

We are at a critical junction in Canadian politics. Some hard choices need to be made in the coming years. Indeed, this election, and the next few, will shape Canada for generations to come.

Take a look at some of our policies. I think you will agree that we are far more open and transparent than other parties are today.

To our American followers, similar efforts are being started up in your country.

1. Eliminate the deficit

Currently our government is overspending. This is a problem that happens year after year, and something must be done about it. The NPC Party is committed to fixing that with our fiscally sound approach. Canadians deserve better than what they have had all these years.

Remember, an NPC Government will take care to focus on the symptoms (deficit spending, debt), and away from the disease (Bank for International Settlements). Our party is committed to balancing the budget, and never going into deficit. We don’t need to get into the international usury and loss of our sovereignty. What is important is our commitment to eliminating the deficit — at some point.

2. Ending Corporate Welfare

The sun is setting on our game to enrich corporations using taxpayer dollars. Frankly, it’s surprising that it lasted as long as it has. However, our Party will stop using taxpayer money for your private gains. Or at least, we will make it harder to trace.

To all of our corporate backers, don’t fret. The NPC Party will see to it that Canadians are focused on a symptom (the money being wasted), and not on the disease (the underlying corruption). No one needs to know that your wife or uncle sits as a Director on a corporation that you paid $200M to. No one needs to know about the corporate or consulting gig you have lined up after your stint in politics.

3. Protect Free Speech

The NPC Party is committed to protecting free speech for all Canadians. As such, part of our goal will be to ensure a wide variety of voices and groups are available to participate in the public space. We’ll bring in millions more people if need be.

After all, importing large numbers of people from countries where free speech is not the norm won’t lead to demographic shifts, and cultural changes which will erode free speech. But if it does, we will be sure to blame Liberals and media bias. As a fallback, we can again pledge to defund the CBC.

4. Protect Gun Rights

The NPC Party is strongly committed to protecting law biding gun owners from harassment by authorities. Yes, we’ll slip something in the fine print to make gun ownership MORE of a headache. But what is important is what we claim to do. At the same time, we are committed to mass migration from countries where gun control is a real problem. But these things have nothing to do with each other.

Sure, we can blame it on the media, or Liberals, or of cultural changes in general. Don’t worry, we can actually do all three. But we’ll be sure not to mention that we have allowed millions of people to immigrate from countries where gun rights are non-existent. We will ensure that no one sees the connection between demographic changes and policy changes.

5. Reproductive Rights

The Nationalist Parody Canuck Party is committed to keeping abortion safe and legal, and will not reopen the debate. Sure, those cuck-parties won’t take a stand, but please don’t ask where WE stand on the issue. To ensure we aren’t considered bigots, we will use neutral language like “fetus”, instead of “baby” or “child”. Words do matter.

Our party will ensure that the public is focused on the symptom (ensuring women’s right to choose) and away from the diseases (black market organ sales, depressing the birthrate, or infanticide). Unnecessary topics don’t need to be scrutinized. You can depend on our government to deliver.

6. High Quality Education

Sure, it’s a provincial matter, but let’s weigh in on it. True, it seems wasteful to spend 3-6 years and $50,000+ on some worthless degree. However, we believe in personal responsibility and growth. Of course, these beliefs have nothing to do with union money that is funnelled to our members annually. If dimwitted students are paying to be indoctrinated with Marxist propaganda and social justice, who are we to interfere? After all, it’s only the tax payers who are guaranteeing the student loans.

To those worried about your jobs, don’t fret. Our Party will ensure that Canadians are looking at the symptoms (the nonsense of cultural Marxism), and not at the disease (the groups pushing cultural Marxism, and their motives). With our concentrated efforts, your parasitic institutions will be safe from any real scrutiny.

7. Sensible Immigration

We recognize that mass migration is a serious issue. Yes, we support the eventual genocide of the nation’s founders, but let’s not make it too obvious. As such, we propose a 5-7% reduction on immigration, while we continue to increase student visas, and temporary work permits. By appearing to address the issue, we will be miles ahead of the competition.

To those wishing to come to Canada, don’t be alarmed. Our attention will be on a symptom (one specific immigration program), and not on the disease (the replacement agenda). The NPC Party will ensure that we APPEAR to be tackling immigration, while ensuring the status quo remains in place. Perhaps we’ll pitch some “populist” lingo to dupe the voters. After all, if European nations want some semblance of stability, they’re just being racist.

8. Opposing Sharia law

Sharia Law is incompatible with Canadian law. As such, the NPC Party will ban Sharia Law from Canada, should we be elected. Certainly, we still support mass Islamic immigration into Canada. And sure, the vast majority of Muslims support Sharia Law. But Canadians can count on our party standing up for Canadian values. And it’s not like demographics shift over time, or anything like that.

Canadians must hear about the symptom (radical Islam itself), and not the disease (the groups pushing for Islamic expansion). Our party will ensure that the symptoms are burned into the consciousness of the Canadian public.

9. Freedom In Your Private Life

The NPC Party is committed to remaining out of your private life. As long as you are a law-biding citizen, and you pay your taxes, it is not our place to judge various lifestyle choices.

It’s a no brainer that the decline of society will be felt with this individualistic stance. As usual, however, you can trust in our party to deliver. Over and over we will emphasise the symptoms, (degeneracy, pornography, prostitution, drug use, globohomo, drag queen story hour, etc…) while avoiding the disease (the groups pushing and profiting from this decline). As long as we focus on individual choice — and an eye towards the consequences — society will overlook just how organized it really is.

Focus on the puppet, not the puppet-master, we say.

10. Climate Change Alarmism

Yes, climate change alarmism is a problem which a serious government must address. Notice how we refer to it as “alarmism” and not as a “scam”. The reason is simple, if we call it a scam, Canadians will expect us to take more decisive action. Language matters. Sure, eliminating carbon dioxide will end life on Earth as we know it, but let’s keep it to ourselves.

Canadians should be preoccupied with the symptoms (wasteful carbon taxes), and not on the disease (the players, the predatory UN loans and climate bonds industry). As always, you can trust our party to deliver results to you and your family.

11. Globalized Trade

The NPC party is committed to signing trade deals with as many nations as possible. Granted, many engage in currency manipulation. Granted, 3rd world nations can completely undercut Canadian manufacturers. But look at the stock prices and economic growth that will happen as a result.

As usual, Canadians can trust our party to focus on the symptoms (job losses, unemployment, lower wages), and not the disease (the free trade deals that cause it). With our help, these schmucks will never know that these policies we sign directly gut their futures and communities.

12. We Want To Rule

This political movement needs to be more than just irony or trolling. We need serious people to discuss serious issues. And (within the scope of permitted debate), we need to have a real debate on these issues.

The Nationalist Parody Canuck Party is that way forward. Put your trust in us to deliver the government that Canadians deserve. We will discuss all of the symptoms that other parties won’t, while continuing to ignore the underlying diseases.

Sure, our party has no constitution of governing documents, but that would just make it harder to shut it down when the time comes. And are leadership votes and policy votes really that important? We guarantee that we will discuss symptoms all the time.

To put it simply, “We want to rule!”

CPC Policy Convention To Be Held During National Abortion Week (Satire)

It is official: the Conservative Party of Canada’s 2020 policy convention will be held the week of October 15th, in Vancouver, to coincide with the 4th Annual National Abortion Week.

This comes not long after the leadership race was held in Toronto, to accommodate gay pride. Party insiders agreed that they must do more to attract new voters. The Vancouver Convention was scheduled with that in mind.

In its ever expanding goal of being more inclusive, the Party has booked the Metro Vancouver Convention Center for that week. The halal-only event was supposed to be in Mid-Town, but Muslims protested the degeneracy being promoted in their neighbourhood. CPC officials promptly apologized for their Islamophobia.

The CPC has also announced there will be changes coming to employment insurance for maternal leave. According to new Party Leader, Peter “the Shank” MacKay, the CPC will not discriminate between babies who live, and those who die, when it comes to handing out EI. He said it’s important those women (and other people who give birth) get treated the same.

Furthermore, abortion services will also become available to trans-women. Party officials agreed that not having ovaries or a uterus shouldn’t exclude a person from accessing their “reproductive health care”.

It was noted that as a conservative, promoting abortion made sense. Eliminating the clump of cells could be done for under $1,000, while years of child care and tax credits would cost far more.

MacKay also announced expanding immigration levels, including making it easier to get students permanent residency. “We’re going to staple green cards to diplomas.” Since the Canadian birth rate was falling it was necessary to import a replacement population. However, MacKay denied any connection between expanding abortion usage and birth rates.

The policy convention will be kicked off with Drag Queen Story Hour, followed by a demonstration of how to self-abort using drugs and coat hangers. Discount ball-waxing and gynecological services will be available to all transgender people. The CPC claimed it was committed to diversity and inclusion.

The Conservative Party asserts that “Diversity is a product of our strength, and that strength is freedom.” No longer would it cling to archaic ideas such as CONSERVING the heritage, culture, traditions, customs, languages, demographics, or spirituality of the nation. Last year it voted to not even conserve the ladies’ room.

People’s Party Leader Maxime Bernier mocked the event, saying that it was just more shameless pandering. When asked when the PPC leadership race and policy vote would be, Bernier looked confused. “Why would we do that? We don’t even have a party constitution.”

Detractors criticized the event, claiming that the CPC is conserving nothing, and panders to every imaginable fringe group. The CPC response was to say that bigots will not be welcome at their events. To emphasize that point, the CPC stated that party members are allowed to believe in the pro-life agenda, but must keep it to themselves.

The convention is expected to attract at least 10,000 people over 6 days.