Conservatives Vote To Include Necrophilia In Their Party Platform (Satire)

In the last day of their policy convention, the Conservative Party of Canada voted to adopt a pro-necrophilia addition to their policy statement. The vote was far from unanimous, as many wanted nothing to do with that ideology.

Predictably, religious supporters and family oriented people continued their exodus. They clung to their antiquated ideals of tradition and decency. There was also a lot of indignation that the opening prayer had been replaced by a spirit cooking.

Military veterans were upset that a war memorial had been converted to a statute of Necrolitos and Baphomet. They claimed it was erasing the memories of their dead comrades.

The party provided free samples of embalming fluid at the entrance, but that gesture caused very mixed reactions.

Party insiders complained privately to the Babylon Beaver staff that they are sick of the “what do you conserve?” meme that is still going around.

O’Toole explained: “There was a time when allowing open homosexuality was frowned upon. We were told that it would never stop there. Sure, we now allow group marriages, abortion on demand, euthanasia, transgenderism, trans kids, drag queen story hour, compelled speech, forced nut waxing, pedophilia, beastiality, and now necrophilia, but there is no slippery slope. Conservatism means standing for nothing, and embracing everything as tolerance and diversity.”

He added: “I will not allow candidates in the next election to spout the Liberal lies that we are a group of intolerant bigots”.

However, it’s unclear how well this will translate into ballots in the next election. The Necro Community is very small, and have traditionally been Liberal voters. However some of the small government types tended to support the Libertarians. More research will have to be done on the viability of such a strategy.

In any event, the added economic activity is expected to generate plenty of tax revenue to spend on other programs.

Mr. Coudenhove-Kalergi, the Shadow Minister for Immigration, spoke of releasing their proposal for immigration reform. In the future, necrophiles would be awarded extra points in the immigration system, given the focus on inclusivity.

It was suggested that a combination of tax breaks and loosened regulations could ultimately get more of the necros on board with conservatism.

The final version of the amended platform is expected to be available in a few days.

Brian Lilley Accepts New Role As Salesman For Pfizer (Satire)

Toronto Sun columnist Brian Lilley has officially accepted a position working for pharmaceutical giant Pfizer, sources have confirmed. He’ll reduce the time spent with the Postmedia outlet, and transition into the new job.

A source close to the Beaver commented that Lilley was looking to work for a more profitable venture. Currently, Postmedia receives 25% employee subsidies, gets 15% tax rebates for subscriptions, receives money from the Canada Emergency Wage Subsidy Program, takes even more from rental subsidies, has grants from the Canada Periodical Fund, and the Government buys up large amounts of ad space. Even then, the newspapers still lose money, and are less researched than the Babylon Beaver, or Canuck Law.

Lilley’s routine will stay much the same. Making comments about Justin Trudeau and Doug Ford not delivering vaccines at a quick enough rate will still be required. He’ll also parrot and republish the wild modelling predictions about death waves yet to come. The cheap shots about not buying enough shall continue. He’ll still ignore legitimate concerns over testing and masks. His greatest strength is the ability to not rock the boat by asking difficult and awkward questions.

That said, there are new tasks. Pitching the vaccination as a family-friendly event will be tough, especially given the hordes of injuries and deaths. But certainly such an experienced marketer would be up to the challenge.

The timing is interesting, as Premier Ford has declared Ontario to be in its 117th wave. With variants infected millions of Ontarians daily, people are looking for answers Lilley recently interview Nelio Fergusonino, the Dutch modeller, on that very subject, and promoted his work.

Lilley’s longitude in the media industry is a great asset. He has been around long enough to become a household name. He’s also become too accustomed and complacent to start pressing issues now.

Still, Lilley does have his gaffes. He surprisingly asked Deputy Medical Officer Barbara Yaffe what she meant by the 50% false positives test rate, and why she only says whatever they write down for her. But he has able to recover, and scrub it from the interview before too many people saw.

The role will require a more high end wardrobe, as representatives as expected to dress impeccably. However, there will be the convenience of not having to send money through the Toronto Sun. Now, the pay can be deposited directly into his bank account.

As a salesman, Lilley will be working with GAVI’s lobbyists at Crestview Strategy, in order to promote new marketing ideas. It’s entirely legal, as long as everything is documented.

Although the details are still being worked out, there is speculation that other reporters such as Anthony Furey and Lorrie Goldstein will be joining as interns.

The Babylon Beaver will keep people updated as events unfold.

Canada Adopts Plan To Deport Mask-Holes And Karens To Newfoundland (Satire)

After widespread rumours and delays, Canada is finally going ahead with plans to ship all the crazy people to Newfoundland. The new camps will be run by arbitrary rules science and proven methods.

Officials reminded the public that these are not internment camps. Despite the fences, armed guards, and constant surveillance, people should not tell others that engage in conspiracy theories.

While this was expected to be a huge logistical challenge, the problem has largely sorted itself out. Most insisted on taking the mRNA vaccine ahead of time, and many have since died. In related news, Theresa Tam has reassured Canadians that they are possibly completely safe to take.

For those who made it to Newfoundland, they will be subjected to mandatory “voluntary” anal swabs daily. However, the more traditional form of nasal rape will still be available for those who want it.

Yes, people will be locked in their homes for 23 hours a day, but this isn’t martial law. It’s considered “sheltering in place”, and will be used to cut down on virus spread.

Residents will be expected to wear plastic bags over their heads when outside. Public Health Officials had promoted the quadruple mask, when they found not enough people were getting bacterial pneumonia. However, after recent suffocation deaths, it is believed that 2 masks are 5 masks masks are insufficient, hence the change to plastic bags.

Contact tracing will take place as well, and is required strongly encouraged. New arrivals are asked to trace their entire family lineage, going back 10 generations, to see who may be infected.

Microchipping will also be readily available. The new types are shaped like farm animals, to make them more appealing to children.

Marriages and church services are prohibited, as they are safety risks. However, abortions, divorces, prostitution, drug use and other degeneracy be will be permitted. Bonnie Henry stated that while there is no science behind it, it is a clear and rational approach.

There will also be constant media coverage available. CBC, CTV, Global News, and the litany of Government funded newspapers will be free to all. For more “diverse” views, there will be Brian Lilley, Anthony Furey, and Lorrie Goldstein to whine about vaccines not arriving fast enough. Open discussion is discouraged permitted of course.

Inmates at the new penal colony, Residents of these new homes will get to have their voices heard on important matters. They can vote on what colour the social distancing stickers should be, and what kind of ringtones their new tracker bugs will emit.

A followup: There have been no developments in a Toronto lawsuit filed 3 years ago to stop mandatory vaccines and masks. Lawyers for the Plaintiffs assure us that a Defense is expected to be filed any day. However, more donations are needed to keep the case going.

Defense In Doug Ford’s Trial For Crimes Against Humanity: We’re All In This Together (Satire)

(warning signs were missed when Ford campaigned in 2018)

The lawyers representing Doug Ford, former Premier of Ontario, and accused mass murder, have come up with a new defense: We’re all in this together. It’s a bizarre spin-off of the “just following orders” defense that became notorious during the Nuremberg Trials.

For the fifth day in a row, an angry mob was outside the Court, shouting and carrying pitchforks.

Ford is complaining of cruel and unusual punishment, since the prison refuses to serve cheesecake. He also states that he routinely gets mocked in the exercise yard.

Ford’s lawyers explained that according to computer modelling, Covid-19 was going to overwhelm the hospitals. Accordingly, most non-essential medical care had to be postponed. When asked why there were mass layoffs at hospitals, the lawyers shrugged and said it was to save money.

The lawyers were also asked if this computer modelling had ever proven accurate. They responded that it was irrelevant, and that only dinosaurs question the science.

Reporters further pressed on about the virus never being isolated, and that was met with confusion. Since drawings of it were all over the internet, everyone just assumed it had been.

But it turned out that the Defendants weren’t really all in it together. They refused to support each other, and blamed the co-Defendants for the situation.

A video surfaced of Christine Elliott saying at a press conference that if someone died WITH the virus, it was treated as dying FROM it. Lawyers for the ex-Health Minister denied that it artificially drove up cases.

Former Deputy Medical Officer Barbara Yaffe pointed out that things weren’t as bad as originally thought. She said, “If we’re working in an area without very much Covid, we get false positives, almost half the time. Heck, half the people who we think may have died, really haven’t.”

When asked what data she was relying on, Yaffe replied, “I don’t know. I don’t know why I bring all these papers to press conferences. I never look at them, and only say what they tell me to.”

“Yeah, yeah, me too.” confirmed former Chief Medical Officer David Williams.

The staff who run the Twitter account for Toronto Public Health blamed each other for the admission that if a person dies with Covid-19, it is considered to be the BECAUSE OF Covid-19

Patrick Brown, the former Mayor of Brampton, had been detained while playing hockey in an otherwise abandoned arena. He had been indignant and yelled “I’m a conservative”. Similar comments were made by former Toronto Mayor, John Tory, arrested at a Blue Jays game.

Brian Pallister was finally removed as Premier of Manitoba. He had ordered G4S to act as security for the building, and was often heard shouting, “You’re an idiot. We’re all in this together”.

Former Alberta Premier, Jason Kenney, had been asked about the 90% false positives he discussed on Danielle Smith’s talk show. Kenney reiterated that he was not an expert, and relied on experts to tell him what to do.

Kenney had also openly discussed how harmful and destructive lockdowns were — right before imposing a more harsh lockdown.

Calgary Mayor Naheed Nenshi hasn’t been seen in almost 4 months. Riots broke out in the City after police tasered a 7 year old boy for playing hockey without a mask.

Bonnie Henry, the former Provincial Health Officer of BC, is being tried in that Province on similar charges to those in Ontario. Rumours spread that she had suffered depression in custody, but cheered up when she started talking about vaccinating everyone. Her lawyer defended her actions stating that while there was no science behind what she does, it was a consistent and rational approach.

These trials are expected to last several months. While no one wanted the case initially, a few lawyers stepped forward when it became known that convictions for crimes against humanity could lead to some deportations.

A civil lawsuit had been filed in Toronto 10 months ago, though it’s unclear if everyone had been served. The Statement of Claim was missing most service addresses, and no one has responded.

It’s now up to the Judges to see if “we’re all in this together” is a valid and legitimate defense to the destruction that has been brought on Canadians.

Babylon Beaver’s Fred Menekin On Coronavirus Mutation (Satire)

UK medical EXPERTS have announced their findings on a new strain of the Coronavirus. EXPERTS say this new strain is deadlier than the first and requires new public safety measures. The World Health Organization of EXPERTs has confirmed the new strains and provided new safety protocols.

Due to the severity of this new strain, measures need to be doubled up according to Dr. Tedros and his team of EXPERTs. Measures include but not limited to wearing two masks instead of one. A new 12 foot social distancing is also required. While vaccines are now in distribution, Pharma companies should begin receiving immediate emergency funding for a new vaccine stated DR Tedros.

Once the current cycle of vaccinations has completed Leaders across the world must provide needed financial assistance for the struggling WHO, GAVI and Pharma manufacturers advised of Bill and Melinda Gates and Klaus Schwab. The immediate need for a new DNA vaccine instead of the regular RNA vaccine will halt this deadly pandemic urges Bill, an EXPERT on VIRUS’.

Canadian Premiers Doug Ford, Brian Pallister, Jason Kenney, and John Horgan have said they would abdicate any decision making to their team of medical EXPERTs. The Premiers have discussed the new recommendations and stated they will wait for advice on their team of medical EXPERTs. Dr. Terrace Tam of the Federal Public Health Agency has made the statement that although they don’t see enacting any new measures, said they are enacting measures before Christmas.

Note: Fred is the newest addition to the Babylon Beaver staff. He identifies as an undocumented vaccinee, and we are not allowed to question that.

Conspiracy Theorists And Activists Now Support Vaccine To Cull Political Enemies (Satire)

In a surprising change of strategy, anti-mask and anti-vaxx protestors are actually calling for the Government to speed up delivery and access to the Covid-19 vaccine.

“We have tried, repeatedly, to warn them”, one protestor explained. “We presented all kinds of research, and expert advice. We even tried to open their minds with thought provoking questions. We even laid out all the financial ties and conflicts of interest. But it isn’t working. These people are too far gone, and are pushing their paranoid delusions on us.” The consensus seems to be that the vast majority were past the point of saving.

This new approach is not ideological, but one of pragmatism. People opposing Government overreach and draconian measures are still — at least for now — vastly outnumbered by those who support it. Unleashing the vaccine may be the only way to flip the demographics sufficiently.

Just to be clear, these conspiracy theorists have not embraced these new vaccines. They still allege that the vaccine will lead to millions of premature deaths, injuries, paralyses, tumors, cardiac issues and sterilizations. They still ask why this is needed for something that is less deadly than the flu.

Instead, they now welcome the vaccine, knowing that the same people who support masks will line up for their shot as well.

While morbid, the reasoning appears to be valid. Recent opinion polls show that a large percentage of people who support mandatory masks are weary about the vaccines. Others who support the vaccines overwhelmingly trust the experts 100%, and don’t think questions should be asked about their safety.

Karens across the West are struggling with the cognitive dissonance. True, they demand lockdowns, masks and other restrictions to make themselves feel virtuous. Now they have to decide if they mean it, or were just gaslighting people for asking questions.

Politicians and public health officials are scrambling to respond to this new approach from the anti-vaxxers. While publicly telling everyone to get the shot, they realize that they will be killing off the only people who actually believe in them, while causing an awakening in others.