Pandemic Denial Now Punishable By 5 Years In Prison (Satire)

In a long anticipated move, the Federal Government has amended the criminal code to make pandemic denial an indictable offence, which could send criminals to prison for up to 5 years. This has come after many months of difficult questions being posed to the so-called leaders.

People who spread conspiracy theories about the Government building secret detention facilities will be incarcerated…. at a secret detention facility.

Offenders who are released will be monitored electronically with an implanted microchip. That should prevent them from telling lies about how the Government is planning to track, trace and chip society. Sure, they don’t have to accept the chip, but then they won’t be allowed to leave.

The new laws allow for consecutive jail sentences to be imposed if comments are made along the lines of “the virus has never been isolated”, or that “the PCR tests don’t actually work”. Officials are fed up with people questioning the experts and defying the consensus opinion. That isn’t at all how science is supposed to work, according to inside sources.

A last minute provision will ban offenders from ever receiving health care again if they post videos of overwhelmed heroes shooting Tik Tok videos. Similarly, shooting a video on one’s phone to demonstrate a hospital is empty can lead to the same results.

This legislation comes at a dire time in history. The Western World is being infected with the Dumbass Variant, and it’s spreading quickly. Modelling from the Ontario Science Table says that Canada could expect 30 billion cases/day unless everyone wears plastic bags on their heads. Obviously, society doesn’t need crazies spewing nonsense about how this is all made up.

The Government has also been strengthening hate speech laws. Questioning a Medical Officer’s vague and non-existent history can lead to extra charges. So can comments about an Adam’s apple, a large brow ridge, or suspiciously wide shoulders.

As for the “opposition” parties, the reactions were rather bizarre. The Conservatives were critical that these measures were needed. They didn’t object to locking people up, but blamed Trudeau for it being necessary. O’Toole promised that if he were elected, he would run the concentration camps more efficiently.

The Libertarian Party said that they weren’t too enthusiastic about the Government arbitrarily detaining and charging people. However, they believed that free market solutions would lead to the best outcome for everyone.

The Maverick Party said it took no position on jailing Canadians for thought crime in general, just as long as it was the Provinces doing it. It’s okay if Jason Kenney or Scott Moe oppress residents, but Ottawa had better not be meddling in local affairs.

As for the People’s Party, Maxime Bernier has yet to comment. A strong storm in Florida temporarily knocked out phone and internet service in that state.

It’s unclear if there will be any legal challenges. Other court filings from 20 years ago still haven’t even resulted in defenses being served.

Babylon Beaver will keep you updated with any new developments.

Chris Sky Announces “I was Silenced” Speaking Tour For Next 3 Years (Satire)

Canada’s favourite human rights advocate, Chris Saccoccia, a.k.a. Chris Sky, has publicly announced that he will be on the speaking circuit for the next few years.

Sky wasn’t allowed to speak at a Canada Day rally a few years ago. He was silenced. Now, he’s fighting back, with a global tour to condemn censorship, and promote viewpoint diversity.

Sky apparently has a new interest in his life, an international banker. That will definitely be worth keeping an eye on. Sky is reported to have bragged that he’ll end up being the Finance Minister some day. He may even become Prime Minister one day, if Twitter polls are at all reliable.

Recently, he privated his Instagram account, which was filled with compromising photos. Obviously, this was proof that he was being silenced.

CBC had requested an interview concerning Sky’s ongoing criminal court case. Sky declined, citing it as proof that he was being silenced.

Sky hit alternative outlets like Rebel Media and Raging Dissident to explain to the public how much he was being silenced.

He also took to Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and various other social media platforms to express how he was being silenced.

Furthermore, he’ll be flying around the country and speaking to international media figures in the coming months. He’s expected to outline in great detail how he’s being silenced.

Critics of lockdowns have complained that while Sky speaks a lot of truth, his behaviour and antics are quite a turn off to normies. Obviously, trying to make it look respectable is censorship.

Sky confirmed that he will be putting out his new book “The Sky’s The Limit”. He stated that Sky was a reference to Sky Homes, the residential construction empire run by his father, Art Saccoccia. It’s a touching salute to what dad has accomplished.

However, it’s unclear who will be authoring that book. Rumour has it that the ghostwriter of “Just Say No” is unavailable to take on new projects for now. The last pre-order “addition” was limited to 250 copies.

You’re doing God’s work, Chris.

Canada Adopts Plan To Deport Mask-Holes And Karens To Newfoundland (Satire)

After widespread rumours and delays, Canada is finally going ahead with plans to ship all the crazy people to Newfoundland. The new camps will be run by arbitrary rules science and proven methods.

Officials reminded the public that these are not internment camps. Despite the fences, armed guards, and constant surveillance, people should not tell others that engage in conspiracy theories.

While this was expected to be a huge logistical challenge, the problem has largely sorted itself out. Most insisted on taking the mRNA vaccine ahead of time, and many have since died. In related news, Theresa Tam has reassured Canadians that they are possibly completely safe to take.

For those who made it to Newfoundland, they will be subjected to mandatory “voluntary” anal swabs daily. However, the more traditional form of nasal rape will still be available for those who want it.

Yes, people will be locked in their homes for 23 hours a day, but this isn’t martial law. It’s considered “sheltering in place”, and will be used to cut down on virus spread.

Residents will be expected to wear plastic bags over their heads when outside. Public Health Officials had promoted the quadruple mask, when they found not enough people were getting bacterial pneumonia. However, after recent suffocation deaths, it is believed that 2 masks are 5 masks masks are insufficient, hence the change to plastic bags.

Contact tracing will take place as well, and is required strongly encouraged. New arrivals are asked to trace their entire family lineage, going back 10 generations, to see who may be infected.

Microchipping will also be readily available. The new types are shaped like farm animals, to make them more appealing to children.

Marriages and church services are prohibited, as they are safety risks. However, abortions, divorces, prostitution, drug use and other degeneracy be will be permitted. Bonnie Henry stated that while there is no science behind it, it is a clear and rational approach.

There will also be constant media coverage available. CBC, CTV, Global News, and the litany of Government funded newspapers will be free to all. For more “diverse” views, there will be Brian Lilley, Anthony Furey, and Lorrie Goldstein to whine about vaccines not arriving fast enough. Open discussion is discouraged permitted of course.

Inmates at the new penal colony, Residents of these new homes will get to have their voices heard on important matters. They can vote on what colour the social distancing stickers should be, and what kind of ringtones their new tracker bugs will emit.

A followup: There have been no developments in a Toronto lawsuit filed 3 years ago to stop mandatory vaccines and masks. Lawyers for the Plaintiffs assure us that a Defense is expected to be filed any day. However, more donations are needed to keep the case going.

Pierre Poilievre Begins Flying Canadian Flag In Parliamentary Office (Satire)

Angered by Alt-Right conspiracy theorists, Finance Critic Pierre Poilievre has decided to post a Canadian flag prominently in his office in Ottawa. It was up and to his right, which appeared on the left for viewers.

He had been flying another flag, and for a while, zoomed in the webcam so it was less obvious. However, it was time for a change.

The new flag was first shown in an online interview with ex-Jason Kenney Staffer, Candice Malcolm. They talked about the expanding national debt.

The Member of Parliament for Carleton showed his disdain for anonymous Twitter trolls who kept insinuating that he must have a hidden agenda, and be working for foreign bodies. One called him a hypocrite for criticizing Trudeau for his Aga Khan trip, while he was also compromised. Poilevre reiterated that his loyalty was to Canadians, and not to outside influences

Asked about why he focused so much on the debt, Poilievre responded: “My job is to focus on a symptom (the debt), so Canadians aren’t talking about the disease (the International Banking Cartel). As long as Canadians think that this is simply an issue of overspending, they won’t realize that we all collude to rip them off. Heck, until last year, 95% if our national debt was just compounded interest.”

Poilievre promised to end the deficit in 10 years, which means no more accumulating debt. When asked about paying down the existing debt, the Member looked confused. “I don’t think Canadians actually want us to be debt free. That would stop the interest payments abroad.”

The new flag is in a good place. It compliments the office without drawing too much attention to it. Poilievre said he hopes that more MPs take pride in their home country and start having flags in the offices.

Canadian flags, he clarified.

However, limiting the office to just a single flag would probably discriminate against the 187 Members who were born outside of Canada.

On the subject of also flying a gay pride flag in Parliament, Poilievre seemed uncertain. Sure, Conservatives are completely behind the globohomo agenda, but that might be too overt. We have to at least pretend to uphold the morals and principles of family. Conservative men may not have any balls, but most of the women did. However, that was a different story.

PPC Announces It Is Being Shut Down (Satire)

(The following is satire/parody. Don’t take too literally.)

Good evening, everyone.

This is to announce that the party is being shut down, effective today. During my lunch break, I filled out the paperwork to de-register the party with Elections Canada.

About all those people I smeared over the last year, including those who voted for me in 2017, it is not personal. The Laurentian Swamp wanted me to become the leader, and the Dairy Cartel messed it up by rigging the final vote. You have to understand, that sometimes 2 wrongs really do make a right.

The party was meant to be a long term project, and to permanently alter the course of Canadian politics. Now, some people criticize the lack of progress in setting up the party structure. For example, there is still no constitution, by-laws, membership regulations, EDA rules, or any sort of Governing Council or governing documents. Well d’uh. It would have made it much harder to shut everything down if that apparatus was in place. Worked out pretty well.

On the topic of paperwork, Elections Canada has been really annoying lately asking for “financials” from all of the EDAs. They are also concerned that EDAs list a lot of people who have left the party a long time ago. Sometimes it’s easier just to cut your losses.

True, we skipped out on electing party leaders, or holding policy votes. But those sorts of debates just get really messy and divisive. Arguing gets us nowhere. Better to be united from the start. Our party strength comes from the fact that healthy discussion is encouraged. We are opening the Overton window on policy topics.

I want to thank Frank at KWG for putting up the billboards and giving me plausible deniability. You’re looking great since that fundraiser June last year. Cleared up the last of my leadership debt. But seriously Cody, stop grinning like that. I’m trying not to make it too obvious.

I also wish to thank Glen for that hoax of an email allegedly coming from Germany. Thankfully, it wasn’t too big a stunt, but it did generate the publicity we so desperately needed. Worked out well. The feigned outrage made enough of a splash to cast us as the real victims, without much scrutiny.

The platform is a populist one, because we “identify” it as such. Sure, we support Harper level mass migration from the 3rd world: 250,000/year, plus students, plus temps (all with pathway to permanent residence), but it’s different because it is labelled as populist. Certainly, the globalized free trade agenda outsources our industries and decimates communities, but look at those stock prices. And while we lecture about cutting the deficit, we will never tell you about the Bank for International Settlements which CAUSE the debt. We will focus on the Dairy Cartel, in order to distract you from the Banking Cartel. And while the new milk from the U.S. is filled with growth hormones, remember, it’s cheaper. Remember, it is “populist” because we identify it as such.

Those racist ethno-nationalists are not welcome in our party, and have no place here. Okay, we went from 96% European in 1971 to 72% in 2016. And yes, Europeans will be a minority by 2030. But racists who keep pointing that out are not permitted in the party. Nor are people who criticize large numbers of foreign cultures. Multiculturalism is great, but the difference is that we don’t pander to it. We just quietly accept population replacement.

Also, those who want to impose their will on others have no place in Conservative Inc. For example, those who believe abortion is murder are allowed to have private beliefs, but we will not advance their interests. Similarly, those who oppose funding pride parades, or drag queen story hour are bigoted and intolerant. Our party (while it lasted) was open to all sorts of people and identities.

Trudeau is a globalist who will sell us out to the United Nations. He will lobby again for a Security Council seat, and make us a part of the UN Parliamentary Assembly. I know how these work because as Foreign Affairs Minister I supported both. Globalism is a dangerous ideology, and we must be prepared to fight it.

Anyhow, please welcome the new leader of the Conservative Party, Rona Ambrose. I would criticize the roughshod way the CPC held their party nomination. In all fairness, however, at least they held one. At this point I ask everyone to unite behind her and to help them remove Trudeau at the first available opportunity. Sure, I call them “morally and intellectually bankrupt”, but I did spend a decade in government with them. They can’t be that bad.

Yes, a lot of you paid for those 5 year membership renewals over the last few weeks. Sorry, no refunds.

Anyhow, I’m off to go set up my Parliamentary pension.

Good bye.