Maiden Liberty On Managing The Crisis Actor Division (Satire)

Notorious YouTuber, Maiden Liberty, has been put in charge of managing the Crisis Actor Division. The announcement was made early in 2021 that she would be taking the role with Babylon Beaver.

Maiden seems to have found the right mix to perpetuate the hoaxes: feed the masses about 90% truth, and the other 10% being plausible sounding B.S. Previously, the organization had gone with the 75-25 mix, but that led to the psy-ops being exposed far too early.

Her background as a chiropractor and massage therapist has also significantly cut costs when the actors get roughed up pretending to be victims. We prefer to keep people off the payroll as formal employment generates an unnecessary paper trail.

For those of you who don’t know: crisis actors are paid actors who pretend to either be victims or witnesses to a major event that didn’t actually happen. Typically, they are involved in hate crime hoaxes, protests, staged car accidents, robberies, lynchings and other shocking affairs. The trick is mixing them up, so that the same actors aren’t photographed at too many events. (That’s how Forrest Gump was found out).

Maiden helped launch the “psy-op passport” so employees can easily keep track of what they’ve been involved with. 14 days after their second event, workers are considering fully trained, although there are discussions about including a booster hoax.

Maiden handles pressure well. 3 of her actors were arrested in August by the RCMP for their complicity in staging a riot in Montreal. Oddly, they all committed suicide before they could be interrogated. That certainly saved the company some embarrassment.

The C.A. Division has absorbed the Fed Posting Branch as part of corporate restructuring. Strangely, a poster who ignored company memos to use a VPN has gone missing.

The C.A. Division plans to expand into having crazies spout off conspiracy theories — that are truthful — in order to drive away otherwise sane people. Other managers tried using actual crazies and just giving them a script, but that hasn’t worked out too well so far.

Maiden’s recent Covid script has been a success. By having the normies argue about whether this is a natural or engineered virus, they aren’t figuring out that it doesn’t exist. By having people fight over which lie is real, the truth often slips through.

The C.A.D. is looking for an experienced makeup artist to create realistic looking wounds for future events. The last one had an attack of conscience, just before dying unexpectedly of natural causes.

On a negative note: layoffs have recently been for the vaccine injured actors. Turns out that there were far too many legitimate ones willing to work for free.

Babylon Beaver is still accepting clients for future crises. As usual, all packages will include the necessary research in order to ensure the maximum reaction is obtained. Don’t worry, we don’t use amateurs like Jussie Smollett did.

Keep up the great work, Maiden.

Pandemic Denial Now Punishable By 5 Years In Prison (Satire)

In a long anticipated move, the Federal Government has amended the criminal code to make pandemic denial an indictable offence, which could send criminals to prison for up to 5 years. This has come after many months of difficult questions being posed to the so-called leaders.

People who spread conspiracy theories about the Government building secret detention facilities will be incarcerated…. at a secret detention facility.

Offenders who are released will be monitored electronically with an implanted microchip. That should prevent them from telling lies about how the Government is planning to track, trace and chip society. Sure, they don’t have to accept the chip, but then they won’t be allowed to leave.

The new laws allow for consecutive jail sentences to be imposed if comments are made along the lines of “the virus has never been isolated”, or that “the PCR tests don’t actually work”. Officials are fed up with people questioning the experts and defying the consensus opinion. That isn’t at all how science is supposed to work, according to inside sources.

A last minute provision will ban offenders from ever receiving health care again if they post videos of overwhelmed heroes shooting Tik Tok videos. Similarly, shooting a video on one’s phone to demonstrate a hospital is empty can lead to the same results.

This legislation comes at a dire time in history. The Western World is being infected with the Dumbass Variant, and it’s spreading quickly. Modelling from the Ontario Science Table says that Canada could expect 30 billion cases/day unless everyone wears plastic bags on their heads. Obviously, society doesn’t need crazies spewing nonsense about how this is all made up.

The Government has also been strengthening hate speech laws. Questioning a Medical Officer’s vague and non-existent history can lead to extra charges. So can comments about an Adam’s apple, a large brow ridge, or suspiciously wide shoulders.

As for the “opposition” parties, the reactions were rather bizarre. The Conservatives were critical that these measures were needed. They didn’t object to locking people up, but blamed Trudeau for it being necessary. O’Toole promised that if he were elected, he would run the concentration camps more efficiently.

The Libertarian Party said that they weren’t too enthusiastic about the Government arbitrarily detaining and charging people. However, they believed that free market solutions would lead to the best outcome for everyone.

The Maverick Party said it took no position on jailing Canadians for thought crime in general, just as long as it was the Provinces doing it. It’s okay if Jason Kenney or Scott Moe oppress residents, but Ottawa had better not be meddling in local affairs.

As for the People’s Party, Maxime Bernier has yet to comment. A strong storm in Florida temporarily knocked out phone and internet service in that state.

It’s unclear if there will be any legal challenges. Other court filings from 20 years ago still haven’t even resulted in defenses being served.

Babylon Beaver will keep you updated with any new developments.

Chris Sky Announces “I was Silenced” Speaking Tour For Next 3 Years (Satire)

Canada’s favourite human rights advocate, Chris Saccoccia, a.k.a. Chris Sky, has publicly announced that he will be on the speaking circuit for the next few years.

Sky wasn’t allowed to speak at a Canada Day rally a few years ago. He was silenced. Now, he’s fighting back, with a global tour to condemn censorship, and promote viewpoint diversity.

Sky apparently has a new interest in his life, an international banker. That will definitely be worth keeping an eye on. Sky is reported to have bragged that he’ll end up being the Finance Minister some day. He may even become Prime Minister one day, if Twitter polls are at all reliable.

Recently, he privated his Instagram account, which was filled with compromising photos. Obviously, this was proof that he was being silenced.

CBC had requested an interview concerning Sky’s ongoing criminal court case. Sky declined, citing it as proof that he was being silenced.

Sky hit alternative outlets like Rebel Media and Raging Dissident to explain to the public how much he was being silenced.

He also took to Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and various other social media platforms to express how he was being silenced.

Furthermore, he’ll be flying around the country and speaking to international media figures in the coming months. He’s expected to outline in great detail how he’s being silenced.

Critics of lockdowns have complained that while Sky speaks a lot of truth, his behaviour and antics are quite a turn off to normies. Obviously, trying to make it look respectable is censorship.

Sky confirmed that he will be putting out his new book “The Sky’s The Limit”. He stated that Sky was a reference to Sky Homes, the residential construction empire run by his father, Art Saccoccia. It’s a touching salute to what dad has accomplished.

However, it’s unclear who will be authoring that book. Rumour has it that the ghostwriter of “Just Say No” is unavailable to take on new projects for now. The last pre-order “addition” was limited to 250 copies.

You’re doing God’s work, Chris.

Maiden Liberty Joins Babylon Beaver To Manage “Crisis Actor” Division (Satire)

The Babylon Beaver welcomes notorious YouTuber, Maiden Liberty, to run the Crisis Actor Department. This is the fastest growing department in mainstream and alternative news these days.

Sure, Babylon’s rating have been decreasing, and advertisers won’t pay as much, but that has no relation to the new business model of producing quality content. This outlet is independently owned and operated, just please don’t ask who our biggest donors are.

Maiden is known for kicking ass, kicking more ass, still kicking ass, continuing to kick ass, then taking names once in a while. This job however, will be more of management position.

She is also a former researcher into human behaviour. Knowing what words, images and events will trigger people (but not too much) is a critical skill to have.

Crisis actors to serve an important role for any media outlet. The general public won’t know whether to be fearful or outraged without the correct shills saying the right things. Banding together groups of “independent” people can help spread whatever message needs to be pumped out.

Product placement will continue to be available for all donors. If you want a facemask that represents “Business A”, or a sweater that advertises “Cause B”, you can be assured that at least a few actors will be accommodating. Appropriate roles will also be selected, so as to not damage your brand.

On a related note: the “Occupy Wall Street” product line has been discontinued, given the abundance of fed posting and infiltration. Research into substitutes in ongoing.

Maiden will also be responsible for keeping track of which actors appeared in which psy-op. Obviously, if the same faces are too prevalent, even the idiot normies will eventually catch on.

Contact her if you are interested in being a before/after model for vaccination. Having healthy, fit people is essential to overcoming vaccine hesitancy, and ensuring the sheep take it en masse. Interviews will continue for the next few weeks.

Welcome aboard, Maiden Liberty!

Those malakas won’t know what hit them.

Conservatives Vote To Include Necrophilia In Their Party Platform (Satire)

In the last day of their policy convention, the Conservative Party of Canada voted to adopt a pro-necrophilia addition to their policy statement. The vote was far from unanimous, as many wanted nothing to do with that ideology.

Predictably, religious supporters and family oriented people continued their exodus. They clung to their antiquated ideals of tradition and decency. There was also a lot of indignation that the opening prayer had been replaced by a spirit cooking.

Military veterans were upset that a war memorial had been converted to a statute of Necrolitos and Baphomet. They claimed it was erasing the memories of their dead comrades.

The party provided free samples of embalming fluid at the entrance, but that gesture caused very mixed reactions.

Party insiders complained privately to the Babylon Beaver staff that they are sick of the “what do you conserve?” meme that is still going around.

O’Toole explained: “There was a time when allowing open homosexuality was frowned upon. We were told that it would never stop there. Sure, we now allow group marriages, abortion on demand, euthanasia, transgenderism, trans kids, drag queen story hour, compelled speech, forced nut waxing, pedophilia, beastiality, and now necrophilia, but there is no slippery slope. Conservatism means standing for nothing, and embracing everything as tolerance and diversity.”

He added: “I will not allow candidates in the next election to spout the Liberal lies that we are a group of intolerant bigots”.

However, it’s unclear how well this will translate into ballots in the next election. The Necro Community is very small, and have traditionally been Liberal voters. However some of the small government types tended to support the Libertarians. More research will have to be done on the viability of such a strategy.

In any event, the added economic activity is expected to generate plenty of tax revenue to spend on other programs.

Mr. Coudenhove-Kalergi, the Shadow Minister for Immigration, spoke of releasing their proposal for immigration reform. In the future, necrophiles would be awarded extra points in the immigration system, given the focus on inclusivity.

It was suggested that a combination of tax breaks and loosened regulations could ultimately get more of the necros on board with conservatism.

The final version of the amended platform is expected to be available in a few days.

Brian Lilley Accepts New Role As Salesman For Pfizer (Satire)

Toronto Sun columnist Brian Lilley has officially accepted a position working for pharmaceutical giant Pfizer, sources have confirmed. He’ll reduce the time spent with the Postmedia outlet, and transition into the new job.

A source close to the Beaver commented that Lilley was looking to work for a more profitable venture. Currently, Postmedia receives 25% employee subsidies, gets 15% tax rebates for subscriptions, receives money from the Canada Emergency Wage Subsidy Program, takes even more from rental subsidies, has grants from the Canada Periodical Fund, and the Government buys up large amounts of ad space. Even then, the newspapers still lose money, and are less researched than the Babylon Beaver, or Canuck Law.

Lilley’s routine will stay much the same. Making comments about Justin Trudeau and Doug Ford not delivering vaccines at a quick enough rate will still be required. He’ll also parrot and republish the wild modelling predictions about death waves yet to come. The cheap shots about not buying enough shall continue. He’ll still ignore legitimate concerns over testing and masks. His greatest strength is the ability to not rock the boat by asking difficult and awkward questions.

That said, there are new tasks. Pitching the vaccination as a family-friendly event will be tough, especially given the hordes of injuries and deaths. But certainly such an experienced marketer would be up to the challenge.

The timing is interesting, as Premier Ford has declared Ontario to be in its 117th wave. With variants infected millions of Ontarians daily, people are looking for answers Lilley recently interview Nelio Fergusonino, the Dutch modeller, on that very subject, and promoted his work.

Lilley’s longitude in the media industry is a great asset. He has been around long enough to become a household name. He’s also become too accustomed and complacent to start pressing issues now.

Still, Lilley does have his gaffes. He surprisingly asked Deputy Medical Officer Barbara Yaffe what she meant by the 50% false positives test rate, and why she only says whatever they write down for her. But he has able to recover, and scrub it from the interview before too many people saw.

The role will require a more high end wardrobe, as representatives as expected to dress impeccably. However, there will be the convenience of not having to send money through the Toronto Sun. Now, the pay can be deposited directly into his bank account.

As a salesman, Lilley will be working with GAVI’s lobbyists at Crestview Strategy, in order to promote new marketing ideas. It’s entirely legal, as long as everything is documented.

Although the details are still being worked out, there is speculation that other reporters such as Anthony Furey and Lorrie Goldstein will be joining as interns.

The Babylon Beaver will keep people updated as events unfold.