CPC Policy Convention To Be Held During National Abortion Week (Satire)

It is official: the Conservative Party of Canada’s 2020 policy convention will be held the week of October 15th, in Vancouver, to coincide with the 4th Annual National Abortion Week.

This comes not long after the leadership race was held in Toronto, to accommodate gay pride. Party insiders agreed that they must do more to attract new voters. The Vancouver Convention was scheduled with that in mind.

In its ever expanding goal of being more inclusive, the Party has booked the Metro Vancouver Convention Center for that week. The halal-only event was supposed to be in Mid-Town, but Muslims protested the degeneracy being promoted in their neighbourhood. CPC officials promptly apologized for their Islamophobia.

The CPC has also announced there will be changes coming to employment insurance for maternal leave. According to new Party Leader, Peter “the Shank” MacKay, the CPC will not discriminate between babies who live, and those who die, when it comes to handing out EI. He said it’s important those women (and other people who give birth) get treated the same.

Furthermore, abortion services will also become available to trans-women. Party officials agreed that not having ovaries or a uterus shouldn’t exclude a person from accessing their “reproductive health care”.

It was noted that as a conservative, promoting abortion made sense. Eliminating the clump of cells could be done for under $1,000, while years of child care and tax credits would cost far more.

MacKay also announced expanding immigration levels, including making it easier to get students permanent residency. “We’re going to staple green cards to diplomas.” Since the Canadian birth rate was falling it was necessary to import a replacement population. However, MacKay denied any connection between expanding abortion usage and birth rates.

The policy convention will be kicked off with Drag Queen Story Hour, followed by a demonstration of how to self-abort using drugs and coat hangers. Discount ball-waxing and gynecological services will be available to all transgender people. The CPC claimed it was committed to diversity and inclusion.

The Conservative Party asserts that “Diversity is a product of our strength, and that strength is freedom.” No longer would it cling to archaic ideas such as CONSERVING the heritage, culture, traditions, customs, languages, demographics, or spirituality of the nation. Last year it voted to not even conserve the ladies’ room.

People’s Party Leader Maxime Bernier mocked the event, saying that it was just more shameless pandering. When asked when the PPC leadership race and policy vote would be, Bernier looked confused. “Why would we do that? We don’t even have a party constitution.”

Detractors criticized the event, claiming that the CPC is conserving nothing, and panders to every imaginable fringe group. The CPC response was to say that bigots will not be welcome at their events. To emphasize that point, the CPC stated that party members are allowed to believe in the pro-life agenda, but must keep it to themselves.

The convention is expected to attract at least 10,000 people over 6 days.

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