Ford Announces He Has Covid-19, In Order To Boost Sagging Poll Numbers (Satire)

Ontario Premier has declared that he has tested positive for Covid-19, in an effort to gain sympathy from the public, and deflect attention from the economic collapse he caused to Ontario.

Reaction on the internet was mixed. Many offered well-wishes, while others said they hope he dies.

When asked if Parliament would still be reopening, and issues debated, officials laughed. Why would we do such a thing, they asked.

However, all is not as it seems. According in internal memo leaked by insiders: Ford will have Covid until the end of October. After a few week lull, Health Minister Christine Elliott will claim to test positive. Education Minister Lecce will follow suit a month or so afterwards.

Announcements of anonymous staffers testing positives will be spread out into the new year. By that time, Ford figures that the 5G surveillance system should be fully operational, and that the masks will have broken most people’s individual resistance.

The report cites internal polling which showed a huge drop in support after he released the video of himself making cheesecake. Also, attempts to appear more relatable hadn’t led to much of a rebound.

Two main scenarios were discussed. The first involved fully opening up Ontario and having to answer for his crimes. The other required milking the system for sympathy, but otherwise keeping Ontario closed.

Ontario Deputy Medical Chief Barbara Yaffe was asked again about testing, and she had this to say:

“When you do antibody testing in an area where the virus has never been, you’ll get false positives, almost 70% of time time. If there is already a herd immunity, those antibody tests will come back with false negatives over 80% of the time. And don’t get me started on how back testing for the virus is itself. That being said, we are ramping up testing throughout Ontario.”

BC Provincial Health Officer Bonnie Henry added: “Sure, there’s no science in anything we do, but my orders are not voluntary. People need to understand that.”

Current polling for the 2022 election was conducted by Trolling Viewers Inc. There is a margin of error of +/- 3.1 percentage points, 19 out of 20 times.

30% – Quit Bothering Me
28% – Liberal Party
25% – New Democrat Party
7% – Green Party
6% – Other
3% – The Dog Sh** I Stepped In
1% – Progressive Conservative

The Babylon Beaver wishes Premier Ford a speedy recovery.

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