Brian Lilley Accepts New Role As Salesman For Pfizer (Satire)

Toronto Sun columnist Brian Lilley has officially accepted a position working for pharmaceutical giant Pfizer, sources have confirmed. He’ll reduce the time spent with the Postmedia outlet, and transition into the new job.

A source close to the Beaver commented that Lilley was looking to work for a more profitable venture. Currently, Postmedia receives 25% employee subsidies, gets 15% tax rebates for subscriptions, receives money from the Canada Emergency Wage Subsidy Program, takes even more from rental subsidies, has grants from the Canada Periodical Fund, and the Government buys up large amounts of ad space. Even then, the newspapers still lose money, and are less researched than the Babylon Beaver, or Canuck Law.

Lilley’s routine will stay much the same. Making comments about Justin Trudeau and Doug Ford not delivering vaccines at a quick enough rate will still be required. He’ll also parrot and republish the wild modelling predictions about death waves yet to come. The cheap shots about not buying enough shall continue. He’ll still ignore legitimate concerns over testing and masks. His greatest strength is the ability to not rock the boat by asking difficult and awkward questions.

That said, there are new tasks. Pitching the vaccination as a family-friendly event will be tough, especially given the hordes of injuries and deaths. But certainly such an experienced marketer would be up to the challenge.

The timing is interesting, as Premier Ford has declared Ontario to be in its 117th wave. With variants infected millions of Ontarians daily, people are looking for answers Lilley recently interview Nelio Fergusonino, the Dutch modeller, on that very subject, and promoted his work.

Lilley’s longitude in the media industry is a great asset. He has been around long enough to become a household name. He’s also become too accustomed and complacent to start pressing issues now.

Still, Lilley does have his gaffes. He surprisingly asked Deputy Medical Officer Barbara Yaffe what she meant by the 50% false positives test rate, and why she only says whatever they write down for her. But he has able to recover, and scrub it from the interview before too many people saw.

The role will require a more high end wardrobe, as representatives as expected to dress impeccably. However, there will be the convenience of not having to send money through the Toronto Sun. Now, the pay can be deposited directly into his bank account.

As a salesman, Lilley will be working with GAVI’s lobbyists at Crestview Strategy, in order to promote new marketing ideas. It’s entirely legal, as long as everything is documented.

Although the details are still being worked out, there is speculation that other reporters such as Anthony Furey and Lorrie Goldstein will be joining as interns.

The Babylon Beaver will keep people updated as events unfold.

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