PPC Announces It Is Being Shut Down (Satire)

(The following is satire/parody. Don’t take too literally.)

Good evening, everyone.

This is to announce that the party is being shut down, effective today. During my lunch break, I filled out the paperwork to de-register the party with Elections Canada.

About all those people I smeared over the last year, including those who voted for me in 2017, it is not personal. The Laurentian Swamp wanted me to become the leader, and the Dairy Cartel messed it up by rigging the final vote. You have to understand, that sometimes 2 wrongs really do make a right.

The party was meant to be a long term project, and to permanently alter the course of Canadian politics. Now, some people criticize the lack of progress in setting up the party structure. For example, there is still no constitution, by-laws, membership regulations, EDA rules, or any sort of Governing Council or governing documents. Well d’uh. It would have made it much harder to shut everything down if that apparatus was in place. Worked out pretty well.

On the topic of paperwork, Elections Canada has been really annoying lately asking for “financials” from all of the EDAs. They are also concerned that EDAs list a lot of people who have left the party a long time ago. Sometimes it’s easier just to cut your losses.

True, we skipped out on electing party leaders, or holding policy votes. But those sorts of debates just get really messy and divisive. Arguing gets us nowhere. Better to be united from the start. Our party strength comes from the fact that healthy discussion is encouraged. We are opening the Overton window on policy topics.

I want to thank Frank at KWG for putting up the billboards and giving me plausible deniability. You’re looking great since that fundraiser June last year. Cleared up the last of my leadership debt. But seriously Cody, stop grinning like that. I’m trying not to make it too obvious.

I also wish to thank Glen for that hoax of an email allegedly coming from Germany. Thankfully, it wasn’t too big a stunt, but it did generate the publicity we so desperately needed. Worked out well. The feigned outrage made enough of a splash to cast us as the real victims, without much scrutiny.

The platform is a populist one, because we “identify” it as such. Sure, we support Harper level mass migration from the 3rd world: 250,000/year, plus students, plus temps (all with pathway to permanent residence), but it’s different because it is labelled as populist. Certainly, the globalized free trade agenda outsources our industries and decimates communities, but look at those stock prices. And while we lecture about cutting the deficit, we will never tell you about the Bank for International Settlements which CAUSE the debt. We will focus on the Dairy Cartel, in order to distract you from the Banking Cartel. And while the new milk from the U.S. is filled with growth hormones, remember, it’s cheaper. Remember, it is “populist” because we identify it as such.

Those racist ethno-nationalists are not welcome in our party, and have no place here. Okay, we went from 96% European in 1971 to 72% in 2016. And yes, Europeans will be a minority by 2030. But racists who keep pointing that out are not permitted in the party. Nor are people who criticize large numbers of foreign cultures. Multiculturalism is great, but the difference is that we don’t pander to it. We just quietly accept population replacement.

Also, those who want to impose their will on others have no place in Conservative Inc. For example, those who believe abortion is murder are allowed to have private beliefs, but we will not advance their interests. Similarly, those who oppose funding pride parades, or drag queen story hour are bigoted and intolerant. Our party (while it lasted) was open to all sorts of people and identities.

Trudeau is a globalist who will sell us out to the United Nations. He will lobby again for a Security Council seat, and make us a part of the UN Parliamentary Assembly. I know how these work because as Foreign Affairs Minister I supported both. Globalism is a dangerous ideology, and we must be prepared to fight it.

Anyhow, please welcome the new leader of the Conservative Party, Rona Ambrose. I would criticize the roughshod way the CPC held their party nomination. In all fairness, however, at least they held one. At this point I ask everyone to unite behind her and to help them remove Trudeau at the first available opportunity. Sure, I call them “morally and intellectually bankrupt”, but I did spend a decade in government with them. They can’t be that bad.

Yes, a lot of you paid for those 5 year membership renewals over the last few weeks. Sorry, no refunds.

Anyhow, I’m off to go set up my Parliamentary pension.

Good bye.

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