Pandemic Denial Now Punishable By 5 Years In Prison (Satire)

In a long anticipated move, the Federal Government has amended the criminal code to make pandemic denial an indictable offence, which could send criminals to prison for up to 5 years. This has come after many months of difficult questions being posed to the so-called leaders.

People who spread conspiracy theories about the Government building secret detention facilities will be incarcerated…. at a secret detention facility.

Offenders who are released will be monitored electronically with an implanted microchip. That should prevent them from telling lies about how the Government is planning to track, trace and chip society. Sure, they don’t have to accept the chip, but then they won’t be allowed to leave.

The new laws allow for consecutive jail sentences to be imposed if comments are made along the lines of “the virus has never been isolated”, or that “the PCR tests don’t actually work”. Officials are fed up with people questioning the experts and defying the consensus opinion. That isn’t at all how science is supposed to work, according to inside sources.

A last minute provision will ban offenders from ever receiving health care again if they post videos of overwhelmed heroes shooting Tik Tok videos. Similarly, shooting a video on one’s phone to demonstrate a hospital is empty can lead to the same results.

This legislation comes at a dire time in history. The Western World is being infected with the Dumbass Variant, and it’s spreading quickly. Modelling from the Ontario Science Table says that Canada could expect 30 billion cases/day unless everyone wears plastic bags on their heads. Obviously, society doesn’t need crazies spewing nonsense about how this is all made up.

The Government has also been strengthening hate speech laws. Questioning a Medical Officer’s vague and non-existent history can lead to extra charges. So can comments about an Adam’s apple, a large brow ridge, or suspiciously wide shoulders.

As for the “opposition” parties, the reactions were rather bizarre. The Conservatives were critical that these measures were needed. They didn’t object to locking people up, but blamed Trudeau for it being necessary. O’Toole promised that if he were elected, he would run the concentration camps more efficiently.

The Libertarian Party said that they weren’t too enthusiastic about the Government arbitrarily detaining and charging people. However, they believed that free market solutions would lead to the best outcome for everyone.

The Maverick Party said it took no position on jailing Canadians for thought crime in general, just as long as it was the Provinces doing it. It’s okay if Jason Kenney or Scott Moe oppress residents, but Ottawa had better not be meddling in local affairs.

As for the People’s Party, Maxime Bernier has yet to comment. A strong storm in Florida temporarily knocked out phone and internet service in that state.

It’s unclear if there will be any legal challenges. Other court filings from 20 years ago still haven’t even resulted in defenses being served.

Babylon Beaver will keep you updated with any new developments.

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