Canada Adopts Plan To Deport Mask-Holes And Karens To Newfoundland (Satire)

After widespread rumours and delays, Canada is finally going ahead with plans to ship all the crazy people to Newfoundland. The new camps will be run by arbitrary rules science and proven methods.

Officials reminded the public that these are not internment camps. Despite the fences, armed guards, and constant surveillance, people should not tell others that engage in conspiracy theories.

While this was expected to be a huge logistical challenge, the problem has largely sorted itself out. Most insisted on taking the mRNA vaccine ahead of time, and many have since died. In related news, Theresa Tam has reassured Canadians that they are possibly completely safe to take.

For those who made it to Newfoundland, they will be subjected to mandatory “voluntary” anal swabs daily. However, the more traditional form of nasal rape will still be available for those who want it.

Yes, people will be locked in their homes for 23 hours a day, but this isn’t martial law. It’s considered “sheltering in place”, and will be used to cut down on virus spread.

Residents will be expected to wear plastic bags over their heads when outside. Public Health Officials had promoted the quadruple mask, when they found not enough people were getting bacterial pneumonia. However, after recent suffocation deaths, it is believed that 2 masks are 5 masks masks are insufficient, hence the change to plastic bags.

Contact tracing will take place as well, and is required strongly encouraged. New arrivals are asked to trace their entire family lineage, going back 10 generations, to see who may be infected.

Microchipping will also be readily available. The new types are shaped like farm animals, to make them more appealing to children.

Marriages and church services are prohibited, as they are safety risks. However, abortions, divorces, prostitution, drug use and other degeneracy be will be permitted. Bonnie Henry stated that while there is no science behind it, it is a clear and rational approach.

There will also be constant media coverage available. CBC, CTV, Global News, and the litany of Government funded newspapers will be free to all. For more “diverse” views, there will be Brian Lilley, Anthony Furey, and Lorrie Goldstein to whine about vaccines not arriving fast enough. Open discussion is discouraged permitted of course.

Inmates at the new penal colony, Residents of these new homes will get to have their voices heard on important matters. They can vote on what colour the social distancing stickers should be, and what kind of ringtones their new tracker bugs will emit.

A followup: There have been no developments in a Toronto lawsuit filed 3 years ago to stop mandatory vaccines and masks. Lawyers for the Plaintiffs assure us that a Defense is expected to be filed any day. However, more donations are needed to keep the case going.

Defense In Doug Ford’s Trial For Crimes Against Humanity: We’re All In This Together (Satire)

(warning signs were missed when Ford campaigned in 2018)

The lawyers representing Doug Ford, former Premier of Ontario, and accused mass murder, have come up with a new defense: We’re all in this together. It’s a bizarre spin-off of the “just following orders” defense that became notorious during the Nuremberg Trials.

For the fifth day in a row, an angry mob was outside the Court, shouting and carrying pitchforks.

Ford is complaining of cruel and unusual punishment, since the prison refuses to serve cheesecake. He also states that he routinely gets mocked in the exercise yard.

Ford’s lawyers explained that according to computer modelling, Covid-19 was going to overwhelm the hospitals. Accordingly, most non-essential medical care had to be postponed. When asked why there were mass layoffs at hospitals, the lawyers shrugged and said it was to save money.

The lawyers were also asked if this computer modelling had ever proven accurate. They responded that it was irrelevant, and that only dinosaurs question the science.

Reporters further pressed on about the virus never being isolated, and that was met with confusion. Since drawings of it were all over the internet, everyone just assumed it had been.

But it turned out that the Defendants weren’t really all in it together. They refused to support each other, and blamed the co-Defendants for the situation.

A video surfaced of Christine Elliott saying at a press conference that if someone died WITH the virus, it was treated as dying FROM it. Lawyers for the ex-Health Minister denied that it artificially drove up cases.

Former Deputy Medical Officer Barbara Yaffe pointed out that things weren’t as bad as originally thought. She said, “If we’re working in an area without very much Covid, we get false positives, almost half the time. Heck, half the people who we think may have died, really haven’t.”

When asked what data she was relying on, Yaffe replied, “I don’t know. I don’t know why I bring all these papers to press conferences. I never look at them, and only say what they tell me to.”

“Yeah, yeah, me too.” confirmed former Chief Medical Officer David Williams.

The staff who run the Twitter account for Toronto Public Health blamed each other for the admission that if a person dies with Covid-19, it is considered to be the BECAUSE OF Covid-19

Patrick Brown, the former Mayor of Brampton, had been detained while playing hockey in an otherwise abandoned arena. He had been indignant and yelled “I’m a conservative”. Similar comments were made by former Toronto Mayor, John Tory, arrested at a Blue Jays game.

Brian Pallister was finally removed as Premier of Manitoba. He had ordered G4S to act as security for the building, and was often heard shouting, “You’re an idiot. We’re all in this together”.

Former Alberta Premier, Jason Kenney, had been asked about the 90% false positives he discussed on Danielle Smith’s talk show. Kenney reiterated that he was not an expert, and relied on experts to tell him what to do.

Kenney had also openly discussed how harmful and destructive lockdowns were — right before imposing a more harsh lockdown.

Calgary Mayor Naheed Nenshi hasn’t been seen in almost 4 months. Riots broke out in the City after police tasered a 7 year old boy for playing hockey without a mask.

Bonnie Henry, the former Provincial Health Officer of BC, is being tried in that Province on similar charges to those in Ontario. Rumours spread that she had suffered depression in custody, but cheered up when she started talking about vaccinating everyone. Her lawyer defended her actions stating that while there was no science behind what she does, it was a consistent and rational approach.

These trials are expected to last several months. While no one wanted the case initially, a few lawyers stepped forward when it became known that convictions for crimes against humanity could lead to some deportations.

A civil lawsuit had been filed in Toronto 10 months ago, though it’s unclear if everyone had been served. The Statement of Claim was missing most service addresses, and no one has responded.

It’s now up to the Judges to see if “we’re all in this together” is a valid and legitimate defense to the destruction that has been brought on Canadians.

Babylon Beaver’s Fred Menekin On Coronavirus Mutation (Satire)

UK medical EXPERTS have announced their findings on a new strain of the Coronavirus. EXPERTS say this new strain is deadlier than the first and requires new public safety measures. The World Health Organization of EXPERTs has confirmed the new strains and provided new safety protocols.

Due to the severity of this new strain, measures need to be doubled up according to Dr. Tedros and his team of EXPERTs. Measures include but not limited to wearing two masks instead of one. A new 12 foot social distancing is also required. While vaccines are now in distribution, Pharma companies should begin receiving immediate emergency funding for a new vaccine stated DR Tedros.

Once the current cycle of vaccinations has completed Leaders across the world must provide needed financial assistance for the struggling WHO, GAVI and Pharma manufacturers advised of Bill and Melinda Gates and Klaus Schwab. The immediate need for a new DNA vaccine instead of the regular RNA vaccine will halt this deadly pandemic urges Bill, an EXPERT on VIRUS’.

Canadian Premiers Doug Ford, Brian Pallister, Jason Kenney, and John Horgan have said they would abdicate any decision making to their team of medical EXPERTs. The Premiers have discussed the new recommendations and stated they will wait for advice on their team of medical EXPERTs. Dr. Terrace Tam of the Federal Public Health Agency has made the statement that although they don’t see enacting any new measures, said they are enacting measures before Christmas.

Note: Fred is the newest addition to the Babylon Beaver staff. He identifies as an undocumented vaccinee, and we are not allowed to question that.

Conspiracy Theorists And Activists Now Support Vaccine To Cull Political Enemies (Satire)

In a surprising change of strategy, anti-mask and anti-vaxx protestors are actually calling for the Government to speed up delivery and access to the Covid-19 vaccine.

“We have tried, repeatedly, to warn them”, one protestor explained. “We presented all kinds of research, and expert advice. We even tried to open their minds with thought provoking questions. We even laid out all the financial ties and conflicts of interest. But it isn’t working. These people are too far gone, and are pushing their paranoid delusions on us.” The consensus seems to be that the vast majority were past the point of saving.

This new approach is not ideological, but one of pragmatism. People opposing Government overreach and draconian measures are still — at least for now — vastly outnumbered by those who support it. Unleashing the vaccine may be the only way to flip the demographics sufficiently.

Just to be clear, these conspiracy theorists have not embraced these new vaccines. They still allege that the vaccine will lead to millions of premature deaths, injuries, paralyses, tumors, cardiac issues and sterilizations. They still ask why this is needed for something that is less deadly than the flu.

Instead, they now welcome the vaccine, knowing that the same people who support masks will line up for their shot as well.

While morbid, the reasoning appears to be valid. Recent opinion polls show that a large percentage of people who support mandatory masks are weary about the vaccines. Others who support the vaccines overwhelmingly trust the experts 100%, and don’t think questions should be asked about their safety.

Karens across the West are struggling with the cognitive dissonance. True, they demand lockdowns, masks and other restrictions to make themselves feel virtuous. Now they have to decide if they mean it, or were just gaslighting people for asking questions.

Politicians and public health officials are scrambling to respond to this new approach from the anti-vaxxers. While publicly telling everyone to get the shot, they realize that they will be killing off the only people who actually believe in them, while causing an awakening in others.

Sales Of Negative PCR Tests, Vaccination Records Soar As Crazies Get Creative (Satire)

Winter had fallen on Westeros, or Canada, as it’s now commonly known. The White Walkers from the RCMP began their quest to stamp out heretics who question authority.

King Justin of House Castro recently changed the family motto. It used to be “a Trudeau always pays his debts”, but after widespread mockery, a new one is being worked on. Lady Freeland of House Nattzi serves as the Hand of the King. And as the expression goes: “The King sh**s, and the Hand wipes”.

The ironically named Masters-of-Coin had spent the Kingdom’s wealth on well…. we’re not really sure what.

Lord Erin of House The-Toole serves as the Court Jester. His latest act is pretending to be an opposing force to the King.

The final straw was when Randy, of House Queen’s Park, had his tongue cut out. It was not because he had been proven a liar, but because Lord Cheesecake feared what he might say.

Crystal, of House Plaid, and the 4th of her name, came up with such a business opportunity recently. She understands, that when you play the Game of Thrones, you win, or you die. There is no middle ground. Hence, her enterprise was formed out of necessity.

As such, negative test results are now available to all. Once your payment of 1 gold piece is received, the merchant shall send ravens and deliver the negative test.

The finest engineers in the realm worked long and hard to develop a microchip that includes a record of vaccination, and also whatever medical history the wearer wants. Once the chip is implanted, then the forces trapping them in their neighbourhood will vanish.

A modification of the cloak of invisibility now means that it will look like a person is wearing a mask when they are not. Those products are constantly selling out.

Crystal has finally perfected the magic stones of teleportation. With those, people will be able to travel freely throughout the realm, and avoid those checkpoints.

The dragons circling the air (also called drones), have been a serious problem for many. However, spears are now available that can drop one in a single shot.

As the oppression intensifies, these services will become more and more important. The Night King known as Bill dreams of a realm with far fewer people. His medicines are supposed to make that happen.

With the document business booming, more and more people can escape from the tyranny.

Crystal can be reached at the website:

Babylon Bee Sues Babylon Beaver Over Copyright Infringement (Satire)

The lawsuit filed by Babylon Bee launched against fellow satire site Babylon Beaver has been delayed once again. After another hearing, the matter has been further postponed. The Bee had sued the Beaver for copyright infringement, for using the term “Babylon” without permission.

The Bee also took issue with the Beaver referring to their site as “fake news you can trust”. The Bee’s lawyers explained that they had ripped it off from CNN, and that it belonged to them now.

Babylon Beaver explained that due to Canada’s open borders policy, everyone coming into the country spoke a different language. This made any sort of communication very difficult. Babylon Bee, a Christian website, wasn’t content to “turn the other cheek”, and opted to take an eye for an eye.

There were immediately issues in court, as the presiding Judge wasn’t sure if the lawsuit was legitimate, or if he was being punked.

It didn’t help matters when lawyers for the Bee asked if satire and parody counted as telling the truth. It seemed there were issues over swearing out affidavits, and what counted as “the whole truth”. Court officials repeatedly explained that such documents had to be truthful, and that “being really funny” wasn’t an acceptable excuse for lying under oath.

Little progress was made with the Babylon Beaver representatives as well. “Comedy is subjective” was raised as a defense for virtually every question raised.

Public opinion has been divided on the subject. Many believe that “Babylon” should be protected in the context of satire, while others see nothing wrong with others using it.

CBC, CTV, and Global News have asked for intervenor status. They are concerned if Babylon Beaver is viewed as a legitimate source of news, it will cut into their subsidies. The Beaver’s reporting (while satire), has proven to be far more accurate than any of theirs.

The case is expected to conclude next year.

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