Category: Satire/Parody

Canada’s Immigration Minister has publicly asked for people of European descent to stop having children for the foreseeable future, in order to stop the spread of Covid-19.

Not only is speaking English risky, (as outlined by Yahoo and Forbes), but certain ethnic groups were prone to spreading it a lot faster.

According to new computer modelling by Professor Neilio Fergusonino, Europeans have a 50% greater likelihood of spreading the virus than do other groups. Since Covid is here to stay, it’s only suitable that those at the greatest risk.

Details of this modelling were not released. However, the science is settled, and there is no debate on the issue. After all, the anti-pluggers and anti-crawlers were outraged initially, but eventually went along with science.

Sacrifices had to be made now, to ensure what happened in March in Kelowna would not become a regular occurrence.

Ontario Premier Doug Ford is riding high in the polls after publicly announcing he was infected. People temporarily forgot about the economic collapse he caused.

However, some admitted, this presents a great opportunity to further diversify Canada by replacing the old-stock Canadians with a more diverse forms of culture and heritage. Officials admitted that without the pandemic, it would be hard to get people on board with this.

Canada was going further into a multicultural mode. Sure, politicians would be resentful because of their leading role. But without that leading role, Canada would not survive.

The Immigration Minister’s Press Secretary wrote:

In pluralistic societies like Canada, we do not derive our identity from our racial, religious or ethnic origin — unlike most countries in the world. We derive our identity from shared values.
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Diversity is important. There’s no doubt about that.
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We need to challenge one another with new ideas, innovative thinking and differing perspectives in order to grow and thrive, as well as to solve the problems of our day. Societies that are too conformist or homogeneous are not only boring and banal places to live, they’re also destined to fail.
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Look at North Korea — the most homogeneous country in the world; closed to immigration and most trade — where everyone is equal in their misery and nothing meaningful has changed in decades.
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Or Japan, which allows little diversity in ethnic makeup or societal norms, and, in turn, the population is aging, the economy is stagnant, and debt is ever-growing. In other words, the society is dying.
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Diversity is necessary. But diversity, in and of itself, is not necessarily a feature. The most diverse empires and countries in the world have fractured, imploded or dissolved, be it the Roman Empire, the Ottoman Empire or the former Yugoslavia. Diversity alone wasn’t the problem, but diversity without a common commitment, in other words, without unity, led to collapse.
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We need shared laws, shared values, shared traditions, and a shared identity to thrive and succeed. We need pluralism and nationhood.
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It’s unity that makes us love our country and fosters patriotism. It’s unity — imbedded within diversity — that is our true strength.

Racist Alt-Righters immediately accused the Government of trying to replace them. They allege that stopping white births, combined with importing more people was a plan to breed out whites.

Officials denied that there was any effort to replace them. Bringing more people to Canada was necessary to make up for a work shortfall caused by certain groups not having more children.

In 5 to 10 years, we should have this pandemic under control, the Minister said. At that point, if whites are properly vaccinated, and have been wearing masks, we will certainly invite them to have children again.

However, he added, by that point, Canada will be so radically transformed that the majority may decide that white supremacy is no longer welcome.

Another report found that tall people were more likely to catch the coronavirus. Officials are speculating about ways to navigate that problem.

Ontario Premier has declared that he has tested positive for Covid-19, in an effort to gain sympathy from the public, and deflect attention from the economic collapse he caused to Ontario.

Reaction on the internet was mixed. Many offered well-wishes, while others said they hope he dies.

When asked if Parliament would still be reopening, and issues debated, officials laughed. Why would we do such a thing, they asked.

However, all is not as it seems. According in internal memo leaked by insiders: Ford will have Covid until the end of October. After a few week lull, Health Minister Christine Elliott will claim to test positive. Education Minister Lecce will follow suit a month or so afterwards.

Announcements of anonymous staffers testing positives will be spread out into the new year. By that time, Ford figures that the 5G surveillance system should be fully operational, and that the masks will have broken most people’s individual resistance.

The report cites internal polling which showed a huge drop in support after he released the video of himself making cheesecake. Also, attempts to appear more relatable hadn’t led to much of a rebound.

Two main scenarios were discussed. The first involved fully opening up Ontario and having to answer for his crimes. The other required milking the system for sympathy, but otherwise keeping Ontario closed.

Ontario Deputy Medical Chief Barbara Yaffe was asked again about testing, and she had this to say:

“When you do antibody testing in an area where the virus has never been, you’ll get false positives, almost 70% of time time. If there is already a herd immunity, those antibody tests will come back with false negatives over 80% of the time. And don’t get me started on how back testing for the virus is itself. That being said, we are ramping up testing throughout Ontario.”

BC Provincial Health Officer Bonnie Henry added: “Sure, there’s no science in anything we do, but my orders are not voluntary. People need to understand that.”

Current polling for the 2022 election was conducted by Trolling Viewers Inc. There is a margin of error of +/- 3.1 percentage points, 19 out of 20 times.

30% – Quit Bothering Me
28% – Liberal Party
25% – New Democrat Party
7% – Green Party
6% – Other
3% – The Dog Sh** I Stepped In
1% – Progressive Conservative

The Babylon Beaver wishes Premier Ford a speedy recovery.

Angered by Alt-Right conspiracy theorists, Finance Critic Pierre Poilievre has decided to post a Canadian flag prominently in his office in Ottawa. It was up and to his right, which appeared on the left for viewers.

He had been flying another flag, and for a while, zoomed in the webcam so it was less obvious. However, it was time for a change.

The new flag was first shown in an online interview with ex-Jason Kenney Staffer, Candice Malcolm. They talked about the expanding national debt.

The Member of Parliament for Carleton showed his disdain for anonymous Twitter trolls who kept insinuating that he must have a hidden agenda, and be working for foreign bodies. One called him a hypocrite for criticizing Trudeau for his Aga Khan trip, while he was also compromised. Poilevre reiterated that his loyalty was to Canadians, and not to outside influences

Asked about why he focused so much on the debt, Poilievre responded: “My job is to focus on a symptom (the debt), so Canadians aren’t talking about the disease (the International Banking Cartel). As long as Canadians think that this is simply an issue of overspending, they won’t realize that we all collude to rip them off. Heck, until last year, 95% if our national debt was just compounded interest.”

Poilievre promised to end the deficit in 10 years, which means no more accumulating debt. When asked about paying down the existing debt, the Member looked confused. “I don’t think Canadians actually want us to be debt free. That would stop the interest payments abroad.”

The new flag is in a good place. It compliments the office without drawing too much attention to it. Poilievre said he hopes that more MPs take pride in their home country and start having flags in the offices.

Canadian flags, he clarified.

However, limiting the office to just a single flag would probably discriminate against the 187 Members who were born outside of Canada.

On the subject of also flying a gay pride flag in Parliament, Poilievre seemed uncertain. Sure, Conservatives are completely behind the globohomo agenda, but that might be too overt. We have to at least pretend to uphold the morals and principles of family. Conservative men may not have any balls, but most of the women did. However, that was a different story.

In collaboration with the Babylon Bee and (Not) The Bee, Canuck Law is starting up a satire division to help bring humour an levity to Canadians.

Several alcohol companies are also financing this effort. They expect increased liquor sales, as Canadians realize just how screwed they really are.

Marijuana companies in British Columbia had been set to sponsor as well, but found themselves unprofitable. Yes, government regulations made weed unprofitable in BC.

The new design is an image of a beaver sodomizing a log as Babylon’s logo. Originally that presented some concerns to the publishers. However, since the Trudeau Government legalized beastiality, and lowered the age of consent for anal, those barriers were removed. As for consent, don’t worry, the log just experienced it differently. Of course, using a glory hole is safer for everyone.

BCPHO Bonnie Henry suggested that the beaver should be wearing a mask as a sign of respect and courtesy. She looked puzzled when asked what evidence there was that masks worked.

Babylon is also a perfect metaphor to represent Canada’s multicultural heritage. After all, everyone at the Tower of Babel spoke different languages, and hence no one was able to understand each other. It’s symbolic of Canada’s lack of any real identity.

Having an open comment forum is probably the best option. It’s a reminder of the open borders country we have had for decades, where anyone and anything are accepted.

No question, there will be difficulties. The Canadian market is already pretty saturated with fake news and parody outlets, such as CBC, CTV, Global News, and the Post Media empire. There is also already an established “diet-fake” industry that includes The Post Millennial and True North Canada. Nonetheless, we will push on.

The Babylon Bee helped CNN set up a real-news spinoff. Now, they are assisting Canuck Law and Babylon Beaver get a similar offshoot going for CBC and Global News.

Staffers at Canuck Law have realized that satire, and just making things up, is way easier than doing research and due diligence. However, this will not impact the real-news division.

It was also discovered that piggy-backing off of an established satire site was a much simpler idea than coming up with an entirely new outfit.

Until the Babylon Beaver can start lobbying Ottawa, we won’t have access to any of that $1.4 billion government subsidies other outlets get. Please chip in, so we can pretend that it is going to the writers.

Support Babylon Beaver: the most trusted name in fake news, (that your tax dollars are forced to subsidize).

Thanks to efforts from prominent conservatives, the expression “What do you actually conserve?” has been designated as hate speech by the Federal Government. Bill C-666 passed unanimously, with only a few missing MPs.

Erin O’Toole, the new CPC leader, beat Peter “The Shank” MacKay in the leadership race in a stunning upset. He announced that tolerance for any and everything was the new brand of conservatism. He was angered by online trolls who kept asking what the Conservative Party was actually conserving.

O’Toole strongly condemned racist alt-righters who point to the rapid demographic changes as a sign that conservatism doesn’t work. Sure, Canada went from a country of 96% Europeans to 72% in 2016. And sure, it will be a minority by 2030, and less than 20% by the year 2100. But that doesn’t excuse bigots from screaming about replacement theories. However, they will now face prison time.

Liberals and Conservatives supported an NDP amendment to formally declare that multiculturalism has always been part of Canada’s history.

A specific example is the need to “conserve” our tradition of halal and kosher foods. Animal protection laws are antiquated, and unbecoming in a tolerant society.

Members of Parliament have also agreed that outsourcing all of Canada’s industries to Mexico, India and China has always been part of our heritage. Likewise, letting foreigners buy up large parts of Canada, and operate tax-free has long been a tradition. After all, FIPA was in the Bill of Rights. Protectionist lunatics have no place defining what “conservatism” really is.

All parties supported the Bloc’s amendment to remove Christianity as the founding ideology of Canada, and replace it by a mixture of Judaism, Islam, Atheism, and Paganism. However, this does not apply to Quebec, which will maintain its Christian roots and heritage.

Online trolls are under investigation for making comments about Pierre Poilievre flying a foreign flag in his office in Ottawa, when he’s streaming live.

Conservatives have repeatedly apologized for their shameful behaviour, when, in 2005, they voted to keep marriage as between 1 man and 1 woman. Never again, they promised.

Heritage Shadow Minister Leslyn Lewis has introduced a Private Member’s Bill (co-written by Women’s LEAF), ban sex-selective abortion, while keeping abortion itself legal. After all, she explained, those babies may be clumps of cells, but mothers better not kill them just because they are female.

An unidentified man is in custody for his hateful remarks that if politicians had “conserved” the Bank of Canada, and not resorted to private loans, that the debt would not be so high. MPs deflected the comment, instead, pointing out how irresponsible the other ones had been.

Complying with the Paris Accord is also a conservative value, although there will be no carbon tax. Michelle Rempel suggested burning all the science books which point out that Carbon Dioxide is a natural byproduct of respiration, or needed for photosynthesis.

Ex-Prime Minister Stephen Harper remarked how signing Agenda 2030, and “phasing out” the oil and gas sector, would conserve O&G and allow it to thrive in the West for generations to come.

Gun rights will be conserved by a mass seizure by the RCMP. Privacy rights will be conserved by installing spyware into all new computers and phones. The innocence of children will be conserved by starting up the “Desmond is Amazing” TV show. It will air right after “Cuties” on Netflix.

Lady MAGA will now be doing drag queen story hour at the Conservative Policy Convention in November. Insiders remarked how “conservative” drag queens always dressed with more style than their liberal counter-parts.

O’Toole was the target of a vicious “what are you conserving?” campaign when he proposed removing all age restrictions to children having gender reassignment. After all, he reminded people, if kids are old enough to know what the parts are, they should be able to decide what they are.

Conservative Consultant, Morgane Oger, is currently giving speeches on where society should be going.

Rebels who call themselves “NOTICERS” are making a mockery of the freedoms they are temporarily allowed to enjoy.

While the expression “What are you actually conserving?” has been deemed hate speech, O’Toole reminded Canadians that conservatives still support free speech rights.

https://goodtimes.gov.bc.ca/
https://twitter.com/jjhorgan/status/1294762295348715520

The Federal and Provincial Governments had only just announced an initiative to have everyone crawl on the ground, and paranoid conspiracy theorist are already denouncing it.

In Ontario, Doug Ford made the announcement at Cheesecake Soccer Field, which had recently moved its goalposts again. With him was Barbara Yaffe, who insisted that “crawl, crawl, crawl” was the new measure, despite there being an 80% – 90% error rate in the testing methods used.

Experts and their computer modelling have determined that the coronavirus isn’t nearly as deadly below a height of 3 feet off the ground. It’s therefore logical that everyone should crawl on their hands and knees for the next 3-5 years, until the pandemic passes.

Conspiracy nuts are claiming it is bogus science. They claim that computer modelling isn’t science, and that the work can’t be replicated. They also question mask, vaccine, and butt plug initiatives. Many also allege that the coronavirus isn’t even real.

Of course, crawling on your hands and knees doesn’t absolve the responsibility to wear masks, and stay 6 feet apart, but would be an extra measure to prevent virus spread. Kinks’R’Us has already donated whips, chains, and ball-gags to make this a smoother transition.

BC Premier John Horgan recommended people to stay home and smoke weed whenever they could. However, if they had to go out, then show people some consideration, and crawl everywhere.

BC Provincial Health Officer Bonnie Henry admitted there no science behind it, but that the Province would be taking an evidence-based approach in implementing the policy. Crawling around was a sign of respect for your neighbours, and public support was in favour of it.

The BC CDC released their findings, saying that the virus has very limited potency at lower heights. If people were anxious, there was always other options to relax. The CDC recommended: prostitution, pornography, masturbating, abortion, glory holes, drug use, safe injection, approved vendors for drugs, narcotics preparation kits, and sex changes for children. All were accepted methods of protecting oneself during the pandemic.

In Quebec, Francois LeGault spoke about climate change in front of the St. Lawrence, where tons of sewage was being dumped. He later talked on fishing lures and joked about the bait-and-switch.

Public Health Officer of Canada, Theresa Tam, was in Toronto to announce new procedures for the expanded children’s section at the Gender Identity Clinic. She looked confused when people asked why she wasn’t crawling.

Canada’s new Deputy Pandemic Minister, Mr. Fabianist, said that these changes would likely invert the social order for good. However, it would be beneficial in the long term.

Privy Council President, Demonic LeBlanc criticized the anti-maskers, anti-vaxxers, anti-crawlers anti-pluggers, and anti-chippers as “lunatics”. He promised a stronger law to combat misinformation.

On a related note: the first batch of butt plugs has now been made freely available. People will be expected to take it in the rear and go about their day. Critics have named it the CRA, or Revenue Canada.

Exemptions will be made for people with arthritis, or other conditions that make it impractical to crawl. However, officials don’t want to see it being abused.

ME CRAWLING PROTECTS YOU
YOU CRAWLING PROTECTS ME