Category: Satire/Parody

After several months of going through the evidence, Public Health Officer of Canada, Theresa Tam has now formally recommended that Canadians use butt plugs as a means to prevent infection. British Columbia has adopted those findings.

In fact, the Federal and Provincial Governments are taking the butt plug issue so seriously, that it will become law in the next 12 to 18 months.

Tam, fresh off of an Adam’s apple reduction surgery, made the comments earlier this morning. The latest computer modelling showed that it could help avoid the fourth wave, which is expected to be in 2023.

It will be up to individual businesses to decide on how to enforce these new regulations. Some have pointed out that asking everyone to drop their pants may be unrealistic. However, old-generation RapeScan machines are being sold by airports.

Tam was dismissive of people who point out Health Canada’s own statistics, which showed that over 90% of people have already recovered from infection. She also called out anti-vaxxers, anti-maskers, anti-chippers, and critics in general as “conspiracy theorists”.

Parliament had already passed a non-binding resolution to wear plastic bags on their heads. However, far-right conspiracy nuts filed lawsuits over that.

On a related note: the Kinks’R’Us franchise has seen a boom in its stock prices. The adult industry has now been designated as an essential service, adding 35,000 new people to the roster of “essential services”. Tam chided Canadians for not being understanding about such an important industry. In fact, many new employees in that industry are laid off health care workers, who haven’t seen a patient in months.

The Federal Government has also announced a new plan to give permanent residency to those working in selective essential services, such as: pornography, group sex, anal sex (now with the reduced age-of-consent), abortion on demand, euthanasia on demand, sex workers, sex changes for children, alcohol distribution, marijuana production, “glory-hole” manufacturers, and working for the CBC. Canadians are just too badly educated to do these jobs.

Canadian politicians also are weighing in.

Officials cautioned the public against engaging in risky behaviour, such as going to church, getting married, acting in a moral way, having traditional families, or preserving borders. This would not be considered free speech of expression.

Privy Council President Dominic LeBlanc renewed his suggestion of passing laws to combat misinformation.

BC Provincial Health Officer, Bonnie Henry admitted there’s no science behind what was going on, but that it was being consistent, and was a rational approach.

BC Health Minister, Adrian Dix, who “identifies” as a medical professional, said there likely wouldn’t be fines for those not wearing butt plugs. The Province would focus on education and awareness.

Ontario Premier, Doug Ford, said that while safety is critical, he would grant a religious exemption, just like he did for Sikhs and motorcycle helmets.

Ontario Deputy Medical Officer, Barbara Yaffe, stated that new modelling suggested that butt plugs would reduce the number of false positives from covid tests from 80% to 40%.

Federal Health Minister, and ex-graphic designer, Patty Hajdu, was asked how Canadians should be expected to adapt to taking it in the rear. Hajdu responded that Canadians pay taxes, and thus are already used to it.

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was on vacation, and could not be reached. However, staffers commented that everyone was of legal age, and none of the substances were prohibited by law.

Canuck Law will bring you updates as they unfold.

Note: for more information on the (not satire) coronavirus series, check this out. Your public officials have been lying to you all along.

Canada’s already bloated bureaucracy will be adding yet another Ministry to its ranks. Government officials confirmed this morning that the rumours were indeed true. The new Ministry of Free Speech will be headed by Iqra Khalid, a staunch supporter of this basic right.

Free speech and a free media are guaranteed to all Canadians under Section 2 of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, which convers fundamental freedoms.

What started as a Twitter campaign by a few dedicated individuals has morphed into an actual Ministry, and its funding will be included in the next Federal budget. The Government has decided to take a public stand in how much it supports free speech and expression.

The National Anti-Hate League had been asked to act as a consultant, but they declined. The Group is overbooked with getting people doxed and deplatformed for comments posted online.

The mandate originally called for the doxing of distant relatives of Nazi collaborators. However, Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland stated that perhaps that portion needed to be revised. She didn’t elaborate further.

While freedom of speech is a great thing, wild and harmful conspiracy theories are not. The new Ministry’s mandate will clearly enforce harsh penalties for such actions. For example, a theory circulating is that Bill and Melinda Gates have been replaced by clones who are doing the bidding of the Deep State.

Additionally, conspiracy theorists claim that Gates’ vaccine agenda is just a ruse to implement mass depopulation of the planet. Of course, there is no evidence to substantiate such an allegation.

Another such hurtful claim is that Canada’s Chief Medical Officer, Theresa Tam, is actually a Chinese spy and a trans person. Detractors point to the lack of verifiable information, and that bulge. Today the Government made it clear that such hateful comments would not be tolerated.

Government officials also reminded the public that bigoted conspiracy theories about foreign influence are hate speech, and dehumanizing. Racist acts are not part of Canada’s values or culture, and would be dealt with severely. So-called evidence would not justify posting such material

Officials repeatedly stated that malicious and harmful remarks and theories are not protected speech, and that people engaging in it risk arrest. While Section 2 of the Charter provides for free speech, Section 1 puts limits on what is considered free speech.

Since the empty hospitals across the country have not been filled with the coronavirus patients the computer modelling predicted, insiders suggest they could be converted to forensic psychiatric wards to house mental patients who question the government’s narrative.

In related news, the Ministry of Breeding Out Europeans has been renamed the Ministry of Diversity and Multiculturalism. White supremacists had been long raving about a conspiracy to replace them in all Western nations. This change was supposed to quell those fears, but officials were perplexed when it didn’t.

Also, Bill C-6(B) has passed second reading and will be sent to Committee for study. This would allow dual nationals convicted of sex crimes against children to keep their Canadian citizenship. The Government pointed out that pedophiles are disproportionately subjected to cruel and dehumanizing language, and that they are a protected class.

When asked for comment about recent developments, conservatives have mixed messages. Andrew Scheer avoided the topic but stated that when they form a government, Justin Trudeau will be held to account. Ontario Premier Doug Ford gave a meandering, vacuous speech, then deferred to health officials. Alberta Premier Jason Kenney, with his “permanently concerned” look, claimed that Ottawa is neglecting Alberta’s needs. Quebec Premier Francois Legault asked would this new Ministry help Quebec get more equalization money from the West. All in all, there was no cohesive or consistent message.

Staffing appointments for the new Free Speech Ministry will be announced shortly.

There was a falling out between Ontario Premier Doug Ford, and members of staff. That led to sources providing the Babylon Beaver with confidential documents. Apparently there is a formula to how Ford conducts his press conferences. Far from being spontaneous, or improvised, the entire layout is scripted.

Although we are unable to comment on the exact circumstances that led to this instruction manual being released, the Beaver thinks publishing it is in the public interest.

Here is a summary of the instructions that Ford uses:

[1] Make sure all media and their questions are screened ahead of time. This will prevent reporters who actually do their homework from getting to the microphone.

[2] Eat a cheesecake before going onto the stage.

[3] Try to act endearing by calling people “my friends”, or “my buddies”. This is meant to disarm those who may be suspicious of his intentions.

[4] Go through the daily case count. Avoid the fact that cases do not equate infection, or that most deaths are in long term care homes. Remember not to mention the high error rates for PCR testing or for antibody testing, and the 99% recovery rate.

[5] Spend 10-15 minutes talking about how the people of Ontario enduring a lot of hardship. This is supposed to sound heart warming, while being as vague and meaningless as possible.

[6] Put on an especially convincing face, and tell the public that he is doing all he can to bring their lives back to normal. Make empty and non-committal claims about doing all we can.

[7] Then announce some sort of restriction or lockdown measure. The trick is to have a pained look, so that people will realize that there was no choice in the matter.

[8] Emphasize that Ontario needs to “follow the science”. However, remain vague as to what the science actually is, as it will help avoid getting pinned down later on.

[9] If there are open protests going on, make sure to gaslight them as “yahoos”. How dare they exercise their Section 2 Charter rights? Make sure to emphasize that all of this if being done for public safety.

[10] Make platitudes like “we’re all in this together”, and to “build back better”. Hope that people don’t pick up on the coded language.

[11] When the pre-screened questions start, keep saying “I’ll leave that to the experts”, and then back away from the microphone.

[12] Rinse and repeat with the last step, until the press conference ends. Lying about medical issues takes a level of B.S. best left to the professionals. Remember to look somber and distraught the entire time.

[13] After getting through the ordeal, eat more cheesecake.

Police are investigating the murder of a man who shot 4 times in the parking lot of a Walmart in Kelowna, BC, and robbed of his toilet paper.

The victim has been identified as Stephen Yaxley-Lennon, 40, a political refugee who arrived from the warzone of the United States. He had been reselling TP out of the back of his van at inflated prices for several weeks now. Yaxley-Lennon is an ex-con with a lengthy criminal record, who was known to travel using forged documents.

The RCMP are noting that witnesses are being unhelpful with the investigation. Surveillance footage shows the killer sharing proceeds of the robbery with nearby persons. They wonder if these people were in fact accomplices, or whether the killer was attempting to silence them with the Robin-Hood style sharing of the wealth.

A Canada wide warrant has been issued, but no details are being released about the suspect. The RCMP doesn’t want to assume the person’s gender, approximate age, ethnicity, or build. Nor do they envy a backlash for potential fat shaming or height shaming. But they have confirmed that the suspect was wearing brown shoes.

Toilet paper shortages have been rampant in the West in 2020. Residents have been freaked out about the economy collapsing, so bulk buys are leaving store shelves bare. Opportunistic individuals have come up with the idea of buying in bulk, and then reselling. This is a technique commonly known as scalping.

While a package of 12 double rolls had been selling about $15 ($1.25/role), these scalpers have been fetching an average of $3-4 per role while reselling. This has been so lucrative, that rumours had been heard people were intentionally spreading the corona virus.

Since then, turf wars have been waged across the BC interior, and is moving to Alberta as well. Since government regulations have made the (now legal) marijuana an unprofitable venture, many of the same people are turning to toilet paper.

Food is also being purged from grocery stores as well, except, notably, the vegan food remains. It seems that even during the corona virus apocalypse, no one actually wants to eat vegan food.

Officials are also reminding Canadians that scalping is illegal, and insensitive given the situation. They are stressing that identifying as an “undocumented merchant” doesn’t make it okay. Nor does a city wide TP-shortage justify gun violence or murder.

The Prime Minister, while vacationing in New Zealand, has issued his condolences. PM Trudeau suggested the creation of a TP registry in order to prevent future violence from taking place. He explained that if TP could be tracked, it would remove the incentive for criminals to behave this way.

Police are asking anyone with information to come forward.

We are at a critical junction in Canadian politics. Some hard choices need to be made in the coming years. Indeed, this election, and the next few, will shape Canada for generations to come.

Take a look at some of our policies. I think you will agree that we are far more open and transparent than other parties are today.

To our American followers, similar efforts are being started up in your country.

1. Eliminate the deficit

Currently our government is overspending. This is a problem that happens year after year, and something must be done about it. The NPC Party is committed to fixing that with our fiscally sound approach. Canadians deserve better than what they have had all these years.

Remember, an NPC Government will take care to focus on the symptoms (deficit spending, debt), and away from the disease (Bank for International Settlements). Our party is committed to balancing the budget, and never going into deficit. We don’t need to get into the international usury and loss of our sovereignty. What is important is our commitment to eliminating the deficit — at some point.

2. The Gold Standard

Having stability and security in your financial system is completely overrated. By playing around with the numbers, and using terms like “quantitative easing”, you won’t realize that your children’s futures will be non-existent, as the impossible-to-happen banking collapse doesn’t come. We don’t need to have money on hand, as our fractional reserve system requirement of 0.0001% works quite well.

3. Ending Corporate Welfare

The sun is setting on our game to enrich corporations using taxpayer dollars. Frankly, it’s surprising that it lasted as long as it has. However, our Party will stop using taxpayer money for your private gains. Or at least, we will make it harder to trace.

To all of our corporate backers, don’t fret. The NPC Party will see to it that Canadians are focused on a symptom (the money being wasted), and not on the disease (the underlying corruption). No one needs to know that your wife or uncle sits as a Director on a corporation that you paid $200M to. No one needs to know about the corporate or consulting gig you have lined up after your stint in politics.

4. Protect Free Speech

The NPC Party is committed to protecting free speech for all Canadians. As such, part of our goal will be to ensure a wide variety of voices and groups are available to participate in the public space. We’ll bring in millions more people if need be.

After all, importing large numbers of people from countries where free speech is not the norm won’t lead to demographic shifts, and cultural changes which will erode free speech. But if it does, we will be sure to blame Liberals and media bias. As a fallback, we can again pledge to defund the CBC.

5. Protect Gun Rights

The NPC Party is strongly committed to protecting law biding gun owners from harassment by authorities. Yes, we’ll slip something in the fine print to make gun ownership MORE of a headache. But what is important is what we claim to do. At the same time, we are committed to mass migration from countries where gun control is a real problem. But these things have nothing to do with each other.

Sure, we can blame it on the media, or Liberals, or of cultural changes in general. Don’t worry, we can actually do all three. But we’ll be sure not to mention that we have allowed millions of people to immigrate from countries where gun rights are non-existent. We will ensure that no one sees the connection between demographic changes and policy changes.

6. Reproductive Rights

The Nationalist Parody Canuck Party is committed to keeping abortion safe and legal, and will not reopen the debate. Sure, those cuck-parties won’t take a stand, but please don’t ask where WE stand on the issue. To ensure we aren’t considered bigots, we will use neutral language like “fetus”, instead of “baby” or “child”. Words do matter.

Our party will ensure that the public is focused on the symptom (ensuring women’s right to choose) and away from the diseases (black market organ sales, depressing the birthrate, or infanticide). Unnecessary topics don’t need to be scrutinized. You can depend on our government to deliver.

7. High Quality Education

Sure, it’s a provincial matter, but let’s weigh in on it. True, it seems wasteful to spend 3-6 years and $50,000+ on some worthless degree. However, we believe in personal responsibility and growth. Of course, these beliefs have nothing to do with union money that is funnelled to our members annually. If dimwitted students are paying to be indoctrinated with Marxist propaganda and social justice, who are we to interfere? After all, it’s only the tax payers who are guaranteeing the student loans.

To those worried about your jobs, don’t fret. Our Party will ensure that Canadians are looking at the symptoms (the nonsense of cultural Marxism), and not at the disease (the groups pushing cultural Marxism, and their motives). With our concentrated efforts, your parasitic institutions will be safe from any real scrutiny.

8. School Vouchers

Again, this is a provincial issue, but the NPC party will hand out vouchers to attend certain schools. Don’t worry, this isn’t an attempt to influence social decisions by making only certain options affordable.

Parents quickly learned that the forced diversity initiatives were actually accelerating how people wake up. Instead, we propose a variety, (or at least the illusion) of a variety of options. This will ensure that your children are brainwashed, and either come out as: (a) gay; (b) transgender; (c) feminist; or (d) have an abortion by the time they are 14.

9. Sensible Immigration

We recognize that mass migration is a serious issue. Yes, we support the eventual genocide of the nation’s founders, but let’s not make it too obvious. As such, we propose a 5-7% reduction on immigration, while we continue to increase student visas, and temporary work permits. By appearing to address the issue, we will be miles ahead of the competition.

To those wishing to come to Canada, don’t be alarmed. Our attention will be on a symptom (one specific immigration program), and not on the disease (the replacement agenda). The NPC Party will ensure that we APPEAR to be tackling immigration, while ensuring the status quo remains in place. Perhaps we’ll pitch some “populist” lingo to dupe the voters. After all, if European nations want some semblance of stability, they’re just being racist.

10. Opposing Sharia law

Sharia Law is incompatible with Canadian law. As such, the NPC Party will ban Sharia Law from Canada, should we be elected. Certainly, we still support mass Islamic immigration into Canada. And sure, the vast majority of Muslims support Sharia Law. But Canadians can count on our party standing up for Canadian values. And it’s not like demographics shift over time, or anything like that.

Canadians must hear about the symptom (radical Islam itself), and not the disease (the groups pushing for Islamic expansion). Our party will ensure that the symptoms are burned into the consciousness of the Canadian public.

11. Freedom In Your Private Life

The NPC Party is committed to remaining out of your private life. As long as you are a law-biding citizen, and you pay your taxes, it is not our place to judge various lifestyle choices.

It’s a no brainer that the decline of society will be felt with this individualistic stance. As usual, however, you can trust in our party to deliver. Over and over we will emphasise the symptoms, (degeneracy, pornography, prostitution, drug use, globohomo, drag queen story hour, etc…) while avoiding the disease (the groups pushing and profiting from this decline). As long as we focus on individual choice — and an eye towards the consequences — society will overlook just how organized it really is.

Focus on the puppet, not the puppet-master, we say.

12. Climate Change Alarmism

Yes, climate change alarmism is a problem which a serious government must address. Notice how we refer to it as “alarmism” and not as a “scam”. The reason is simple, if we call it a scam, Canadians will expect us to take more decisive action. Language matters. Sure, eliminating carbon dioxide will end life on Earth as we know it, but let’s keep it to ourselves.

Canadians should be preoccupied with the symptoms (wasteful carbon taxes), and not on the disease (the players, the predatory UN loans and climate bonds industry). As always, you can trust our party to deliver results to you and your family.

13. Globalized Trade

The NPC party is committed to signing trade deals with as many nations as possible. Granted, many engage in currency manipulation. Granted, 3rd world nations can completely undercut Canadian manufacturers. But look at the stock prices and economic growth that will happen as a result.

As usual, Canadians can trust our party to focus on the symptoms (job losses, unemployment, lower wages), and not the disease (the free trade deals that cause it). With our help, these schmucks will never know that these policies we sign directly gut their futures and communities.

14. We Want To Rule

This political movement needs to be more than just irony or trolling. We need serious people to discuss serious issues. And (within the scope of permitted debate), we need to have a real debate on these issues.

The Nationalist Parody Canuck Party is that way forward. Put your trust in us to deliver the government that Canadians deserve. We will discuss all of the symptoms that other parties won’t, while continuing to ignore the underlying diseases.

Sure, our party has no constitution of governing documents, but that would just make it harder to shut it down when the time comes. And are leadership votes and policy votes really that important? We guarantee that we will discuss symptoms all the time.

To put it simply, “We want to rule!”