Toilet Paper Dealer Gunned Down In Kelowna (Satire)

Police are investigating the murder of a man who shot 4 times in the parking lot of a Walmart in Kelowna, BC, and robbed of his toilet paper.

The victim has been identified as Stephen Yaxley-Lennon, 40, a political refugee who arrived from the warzone of the United States. He had been reselling TP out of the back of his van at inflated prices for several weeks now. Yaxley-Lennon is an ex-con with a lengthy criminal record, who was known to travel using forged documents.

The RCMP are noting that witnesses are being unhelpful with the investigation. Surveillance footage shows the killer sharing proceeds of the robbery with nearby persons. They wonder if these people were in fact accomplices, or whether the killer was attempting to silence them with the Robin-Hood style sharing of the wealth.

A Canada wide warrant has been issued, but no details are being released about the suspect. The RCMP doesn’t want to assume the person’s gender, approximate age, ethnicity, or build. Nor do they envy a backlash for potential fat shaming or height shaming. But they have confirmed that the suspect was wearing brown shoes.

Toilet paper shortages have been rampant in the West in 2020. Residents have been freaked out about the economy collapsing, so bulk buys are leaving store shelves bare. Opportunistic individuals have come up with the idea of buying in bulk, and then reselling. This is a technique commonly known as scalping.

While a package of 12 double rolls had been selling about $15 ($1.25/role), these scalpers have been fetching an average of $3-4 per role while reselling. This has been so lucrative, that rumours had been heard people were intentionally spreading the corona virus.

Since then, turf wars have been waged across the BC interior, and is moving to Alberta as well. Since government regulations have made the (now legal) marijuana an unprofitable venture, many of the same people are turning to toilet paper.

Food is also being purged from grocery stores as well, except, notably, the vegan food remains. It seems that even during the corona virus apocalypse, no one actually wants to eat vegan food.

Officials are also reminding Canadians that scalping is illegal, and insensitive given the situation. They are stressing that identifying as an “undocumented merchant” doesn’t make it okay. Nor does a city wide TP-shortage justify gun violence or murder.

The Prime Minister, while vacationing in New Zealand, has issued his condolences. PM Trudeau suggested the creation of a TP registry in order to prevent future violence from taking place. He explained that if TP could be tracked, it would remove the incentive for criminals to behave this way.

Police are asking anyone with information to come forward.

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