Gender Segregated Parliament in Ottawa (Satire)

(Andrew Scheer, in what has become a euphemism for sucking dairy cartel privates)

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Parliament in Ottawa is about to become a lot more inclusive and tolerant with some recent changes. Deputy Prime Minister Andrew Scheer formally made the announcement today.

That was the word in Post-National Canada, (or NPC in French), and it generated excitement.

He made this announcement while his boss, Justin Trudeau, was in Venezuela for the monthly climate change convention. 2,500,000 delegates flew in from around the world to discuss reducing carbon emissions.

While this was the old floor plan, the new one will look different. Previously, the seats were sectioned off along party lines, but the NewLibCons have decided to put aside their differences and work together. Seating will be modified so that all seats point towards Mecca.

The female MPs will of course have to sit in the Jinnah Gallery, and new screens are being installed. Furthermore, the dress code has been updated to be more “modest”.

Scheer noted, that while international borders have been declared “offensive, hateful and divisive” under Bill C-1984, religious freedom would still be respected.

The day will be broken up to allow for prayers 5 times a day. While of course, this is “optional”, MPs have been instructed that inclusion and diversity are what make Canada strong.

Deputy PM Scheer also brought up the contributions from HarperCollins, the publishing company. It was replacing those outdated “Parliament Conduct Guide” books with updated information: 1) the Qu’ran; and 2) the Orwell book, 1984. Those books would be free upon request.

The number of votes in the House of Commons will be reduced from 338 to 288.5. How can there be half votes? Well, to be more inclusive of Islam, female MP’s votes will be worth half that of a man. Currently, there are 243 men, 91 women, and 4 vacanies. Of course, as the makeup of Parliament changes, there will theoretically be between 169 votes and 338 votes.

Committees will operate along the same lines, with female MPs behind a screen, and their votes counting for half as much. Canada will go the extra mile in being accepting of other faiths.

While Iqra Khalid’s motion, did become law, some changes have been made. Blasphemy will no longer be a death penalty offence, at least not for new offenders. Instead, the penalties will follow this guideline:

“Progressive” Scale of Discipline
1st time: warning
2nd time: $100 fine
3rd time: $2,500 fine
4th time: 100 lashes
5th time: 30 days in jail
6th time: 10 years in jail
7th time: death, which may be commuted to life in prison

Deputy PM Scheer also commented on new findings from Statistics Canada. After monitoring everyone’s emails and text messages for “statistical purposes”, StatsCan discovered that white Christians were leaving Canada en masse.

“Good riddance to those racists”, Scheer stated. “We don’t need that type of division here in Canada. Diversity is a product of our strength.”

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