CBC To Undergo Staffing Shuffle (Satire)

(Canada’s state broadcaster, the CBC)

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Canada’s state run new agency, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, will be undergoing staffing changes over the next several months. Although the agency is a model of objectivity and professionalism, even the best run organizations need to undergo changes from time to time.

Our team has headhunted the most sophisticated and experienced media personalities across the globe. Here are the people who will be joining us.

(1) Jim Acosta From CNN
Known for his thoughtful coverage of border security and immigration, Acosta brings insight and experience to these complex issues. He has spent several years as a White House Correspondent in the US, and knows the system very well.

(2) Cathy Newman From Channel 4 News
A fine and very experienced interviewer, Newman has worked primarily in the UK. It took much prodding, but she has agreed to come to Canada and to the CBC, taking her very substantial viewer base with her.

(3) Wendy Mesley
Mesley has been with CBC for many years, but she will now be specialising in investigative journalism, with a focus on unsubstantiated conspiracy theories. Mesley has the skill and intuition to sort fact from fiction.

(4) Pamela Wallin Returns
This former Senator returns to the media industry after a short but extremely productive stint with Canada’s Upper Chamber. Her unique experience gives her the ability to explore ethics and integrity issues in a way that few journalists are able to.

(5) Reynaldo Walcott From OISE
This Black Queer Studies Professor at the Ontario Institute for Studies in Education (OISE) has been a frequent guest on the broadcast, but now will be getting his own show. Walcott previously explained how fact and reason are ”white supremacist logic”, and he writes extensively in that area. Ironically, he relies on fact and reason in his writings.

(6) Paul Wells From Maclean’s
Wells has a good nose for sniffing out stupid people, especially on Twitter. He has the inside scoop with Ottawa politicians, and never lets them get away with anything.

(7) Jared Taylor & Tariq Nasheed
This power duo explore at great length cultural and race issues. Both these men are intellectual giants in the field, with numerous publications and media appearances.

(8) Eric Cartman
Cartman started as a child star in Colorado, but now has moved on to self help videos and seminars. Recent topics include ”Red Power”, and ”Gingers Will Rule The World. A great inspiration for those of us looking to improve on our lives.

(9) Nathan Rambukkana From WLU
This Wilfrid Laurier University Professor survived the wrath of Lindsay Shepherd, which included the added hurdles of being a racialized pre-tenured professor. After several academic works on leather, bondage and polygamy, Rambukkana consults as a specialist in academic freedom.

(10) Pepe
Pepe has become a rallying cry, in recent years. He has shown the ability to grow and adapt, almost becoming an internet meme.

There you have it. Please make our new team members feel welcome, as we expand the scope of the CBC to be more inclusive.

One other note, we are still accepting resumes for open positions. This one needs to be filled as soon as possible.

Accepting Applications For ”Diversity” Officer
Qualifications:
(as many as possible of the following)
-person of colour
-if not a person, willing to transition
-disabled, or willing to become disabled
-transgender, or willing to change sex
-female, or non binary
-follically deprived
-visually impaired
-learning disabled, or willing to become learning disabled
-substance abuse problem, or willing to develop one
-committed to diversity of race
-opposed to diversity of thought
*** Actual experience is an asset, but not essential

Please send you application by Friday of next week.

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