Babylon Beaver Releases Guide To Creating A Doug Ford Speech (Satire)

There was a falling out between Ontario Premier Doug Ford, and members of staff. That led to sources providing the Babylon Beaver with confidential documents. Apparently there is a formula to how Ford conducts his press conferences. Far from being spontaneous, or improvised, the entire layout is scripted.

Although we are unable to comment on the exact circumstances that led to this instruction manual being released, the Beaver thinks publishing it is in the public interest.

Here is a summary of the instructions that Ford uses:

[1] Make sure all media and their questions are screened ahead of time. This will prevent reporters who actually do their homework from getting to the microphone.

[2] Eat a cheesecake before going onto the stage.

[3] Try to act endearing by calling people “my friends”, or “my buddies”. This is meant to disarm those who may be suspicious of his intentions.

[4] Go through the daily case count. Avoid the fact that cases do not equate infection, or that most deaths are in long term care homes. Remember not to mention the high error rates for PCR testing or for antibody testing, and the 99% recovery rate.

[5] Spend 10-15 minutes talking about how the people of Ontario enduring a lot of hardship. This is supposed to sound heart warming, while being as vague and meaningless as possible.

[6] Put on an especially convincing face, and tell the public that he is doing all he can to bring their lives back to normal. Make empty and non-committal claims about doing all we can.

[7] Then announce some sort of restriction or lockdown measure. The trick is to have a pained look, so that people will realize that there was no choice in the matter.

[8] Emphasize that Ontario needs to “follow the science”. However, remain vague as to what the science actually is, as it will help avoid getting pinned down later on.

[9] If there are open protests going on, make sure to gaslight them as “yahoos”. How dare they exercise their Section 2 Charter rights? Make sure to emphasize that all of this if being done for public safety.

[10] Make platitudes like “we’re all in this together”, and to “build back better”. Hope that people don’t pick up on the coded language.

[11] When the pre-screened questions start, keep saying “I’ll leave that to the experts”, and then back away from the microphone.

[12] Rinse and repeat with the last step, until the press conference ends. Lying about medical issues takes a level of B.S. best left to the professionals. Remember to look somber and distraught the entire time.

[13] After getting through the ordeal, eat more cheesecake.

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